Are you trapped in a relationship that you feel you are constantly making sacrifices for? Do you continually ignore your own needs in favour of your partner’s needs?
Codependency means belonging in a dysfunctional relationship in which one partner depends on the other for fulfilling their emotional needs, and usually by doing so they enable their partner’s self-destructive, addictive behaviour. Codependency is an addiction in itself — an addiction to love and being in a relationship.
If you were raised in a dysfunctional family, you have a greater chance of finding yourself in a codependent relationship. Adults who were raised by one or more parents who were emotionally unavailable are often left with a feeling of deprivation and guilt that plays into their future relationships. Those raised in dysfunctional homes where their emotional needs were not met may attempt to fill this void by attaching onto an equally damaged partner. Codependents fear abandonment, which is why they will stay in relationships that offer them nothing but heartbreak. Abandonment issues can be rooted in childhood trauma, and cause codependents to latch onto their partner out of fear of being alone
Codependent relationships are one-sided relationships in which one person sacrifices their own health and well-being to support their partner’s irresponsible, reckless behaviour, or their poor mental or physical health. One partner will enable the other’s poor life choices by bailing them out of situations they got themselves into, and making up excuses to accommodate this unhealthy behaviour.
You may ask, why does one stay in a relationship that causes so much stress? Codependent relationships often thrive because of trauma bonding. Instead of falling in love slowly and steadily, people with past traumatic family wounds and abandonment issues will often fall in love hard and fast and create emotional bonds with their partner through abusive, traumatic experiences. At first you feel loved and cared for by your partner, but eventually abusive behaviours will shine through and take over the relationship, leaving you trying to fix what went wrong. The traumatic experiences of giving and receiving abuse can act as the glue that holds a codependent relationship together, as you both relive your original trauma with one another.
Codependency is a hard addiction to break, as one always wants to believe that their partner will change their reckless behaviours. Codependents desperately try to “save” their partner by changing themselves to suit their partner’s needs and letting go of every boundary they try to set. This fantasy of their partner getting better, and this idea of who they could be together if their partner healed from their own addictions, is what allows the codependent to ignore their partner’s abusive behaviours toward them.
Codependent relationships eventually come to an end, as one partner will become emotionally, financially, and physically exhausted from constantly putting themselves last. Resentment starts to fester within the relationship, causing strain, tension, and ultimately termination.
After reading all of this, you may have realized that you struggle with codependency, and that realization is the first step to recovery. It is possible to recover from codependency, or “love addiction,” but as with any other addiction, it will take a great deal of time, patience, and persistence to get better.
You may consider joining a Codependents Anonymous group, which allows you to go through a 12-step program to heal from your addiction and learn to build healthy relationships. These groups are wonderful for people in recovery as you are able to meet people who share your same struggles, which combats feelings of isolation you may have developed while being in a codependent relationship.
You can try to heal from past childhood trauma that may be at the root of codependency issues by meeting with a counsellor. UFV offers free counselling services to all its students, and the student healthcare plan offers extensive mental health and counselling options as well.
Consider separating from the person who you’re in a codependent relationship with. This is the hardest part of recovery as you may still love the person whom you need to detach from, but it is necessary in order to heal and be able to focus on yourself and your own needs again. You must come to the conclusion that your partner is responsible for their own life, and their actions will have consequences that you cannot continue to let them avoid. You are not to blame for their addictive, abusive behaviours, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change them.
To break the cycle of codependency you must first love yourself enough to not be afraid of being alone. Know that you are worthy of love and worthy of being in a healthy relationship with someone who reciprocates that feeling of love.
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
