Why physical and emotional cheating happen and how to deal with it
I know a thing or two about cheating. I have cheated on partners, been cheated on, and been the person someone else has cheated with, and it’s all sucked.
According to PhD student, Lindsay Labrecque, infidelity is the most common reason given for divorce, and it is an extremely hard issue to overcome in therapy. Research done by the University of Colorado Boulder revealed that just over half of people who cheated on their spouses did so with someone they knew very well and were very close with. A male partner is statistically more likely to cheat on you than one that’s female, except for females age 18-29 who are slightly more likely to cheat on their partner by a mere one per cent. There aren’t many reliable statistics or studies on cheating in non-heteronormative relationships that aren’t marriages, but this phenomenon is common enough that if you haven’t been cheated on yourself, you definitely know someone who has been.
Cheating looks different to everyone. For some, cheating may only be a sexual encounter; for others, cheating could be sending flirty texts. Even watching porn or talking to your ex may be considered cheating. Studies on infidelity identify two common ways in which someone may violate the trust of their committed partner: sexually/physically and emotionally. The physical act of cheating is easier to recognize, but the lines around emotional cheating are a little more blurry.
Cheating in a committed, monogamous relationship usually involves some sort of deception and lying, and it usually doesn’t just happen overnight. In my experience, these “side” relationships often have an incubation period wherein you start by innocently chatting or flirting until an opportunity arises and it turns into something more. Quite often, romantic infidelities are born out of an existing friendship, and since most adults’ friendship circles are their coworkers, the workplace is the ideal setting for this type of relationship to develop. Female participants in a qualitative study identified the workplace as an environment where maintaining boundaries between friendships and emotional affairs was more likely to be difficult.
Why do people cheat? A 2017 study revealed the most common reasons why people would cheat on their partner: out of anger or revenge, a loss of passion, opportunistic scenarios, commitment issues, unmet sexual needs, strong sexual desire, desire for partner variety, or even low self-esteem. Cheating is rarely the fault of the cheater’s partner, but rather an unhealthy response to the cheater’s own personal struggles.
Everyone’s boundaries are different, and what some may consider cheating, others may not. Clear and open communication is crucial. If you get a gut feeling that what you’re doing is wrong, then talk to your partner about it. Be honest about exactly what is happening and clear the air, no matter how awkward or painful it may be. A rule I often like to follow is to act in my partner’s absence as I would in their presence. To avoid any future misunderstandings and as a preventative measure, be sure to set clear boundaries with your partner on what is appropriate behaviour, and clearly define the boundaries of your committed relationship.
Cheating doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship if you are both willing to put in the work to heal. It may be helpful to involve a third party, like a professional couples counsellor to help you navigate through this process. However, if your partner has been cheated on before or if they have existing trauma or trust issues, they may find it impossible to ever trust you again, in which case you should probably both cut your losses because without trust there cannot be love. Respect your partner’s decision in wanting to part ways and let this be a learning experience; try to get to the root cause of your motivation for infidelity.
Just because cheating is common doesn’t make it okay; that being said, every situation is so different that I cannot give blanket advice on what you should do in whatever situation you may find yourself in. If you are feeling hurt, betrayed, or used, know that your feelings are valid, justified, and you have the right to process your emotions in whatever way you see fit and feel is most healthy. I am sorry this happened to you, and I am all too familiar with the pain and heartbreak you must be feeling. It may be difficult after this experience to trust in future partners; take time to invest in your healing in order to not potentially sabotage future relationships. This was not your fault, and learning to trust again is worth it.
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Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
