Let me set the scene, you’ve been seeing someone for a month or two now — you’ve gone on some stellar dates, had some deep conversations, and had some mind-blowing sex. Things started off casually, you were just getting to know each other and having fun, but now you’re starting to catch feelings. So, in order to avoid confusion and potential future heartbreak, you want to ask them for a greater level of commitment and intimacy.
Defining the relationship doesn’t have to be an awkward or scary conversation to have, but it is a necessary one to get on the same page about what your relationship is and where it is going. Asking the question of “what are we?” is so important in order to define boundaries and set expectations for the relationship and each other.
It can be as simple as saying, “Hey, I like you. And I know we started by just ‘having fun,’ but I’m starting to develop some strong feelings for you, and I’m wondering how you feel about me or where you see this potentially going in the future?”
These are very basic questions to ask somebody and it is well within your right to ask them. If you’re worried about “scaring them off” or potentially damaging the relationship you currently have with each other, then you have your answer right there.
Go into the conversation knowing what you want. Maybe you don’t want a relationship necessarily, but you want to set the boundary that you are exclusively seeing each other. Perhaps you want to move from a casual relationship to something more committed. What does this commitment look like to you? How would things change from how they are to what you want them to be? Maybe you want to make it clear that you are dating with the intention of eventually getting married. Make your expectations for the relationship clear and listen to what they want as well.
Expectations only exist when they’re discussed and mutually agreed upon. Commitment is not necessarily a change in behaviour. If your current beau is not texting you as much as you would like them to now, don’t expect this behaviour to change just because you’ve added a label to it. A commitment is more of shared values and visions for the future. It’s making clear what your intentions are for one another in order to avoid more hurt in the future.
This conversation could go one of two ways:
They could want the same things as you do. This leaves you with no doubts in your mind about what this relationship is and how they feel about you. It’s an intoxicating feeling, and I hope this is your experience.
Or, they may not want the same things you want. The unfortunate reality is that this conversation could lead to a feeling of rejection and a parting of ways. Move on, and find someone who is looking for the same things you are. Trust me, they’re out there.
What may happen is that they don’t want a relationship with you, but they still want to keep you in their life. Because what they’re getting from you — be it good conversation, sex, an adventure partner, someone to run errands with — whatever it is that you are giving them, they don’t want to lose that. This is when you have to realize that you need to look after yourself and your own needs first. Yes, they could one of the nicest/sweetest/hottest/smartest/handiest/funniest person you’ve ever met and they could be filling some gaps in your life, but if you’re not getting what you need from them and they’ve made it clear they don’t want to match the level of commitment that you want, you’re doing yourself a disservice by staying with them.
My greatest piece of advice to you is this: you should be with someone who is just as into you as you are into them. If someone has made it clear to you that they are not interested in a relationship with you, believe them, and look for someone who is. Don’t wait around hoping that one day they may change their mind, or that one day they might wake up and realize just how amazing you are and how much they need you in their life. You may be waiting a very long time for something that may never happen.
Don’t keep giving your love to people who don’t love you back.
Image: Brielle Quon/The Cascade
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
