Print Edition: May 20, 2015
The Cascade is not my favourite paper, but it’s my favourite paper to write for. I know at least that students actually read it and my words don’t just spill out into the atmosphere, forgotten and insignificant.
However, there is one issue I think we should address as soon as possible: Repp Porter’s journalistic integrity. Certainly, he tries his damned best, but he’s just rotten at his job. Take his last article for example, the one about Bill C-51. I count seven major mistakes. That, of course, is seven too many (have you ever seen a real calculation like that in one of his articles?).
1. In his article, Repp Porter is spelled “Rep Porter.” Everyone knows Rep Porter is a famous poker player, not a wannabe journalist. How does someone who proclaims to hold truth above all else spell his own name wrong? Perhaps even “Repp” is not his real name. Perhaps he has been hired under false pretenses. This is why we need Bill C-51: to expose journalists as the liars they are.
2. Uh, how about this misquote? Bill C-51 “slated to be the funnest bill since Bill Murray.” Yeah, right. Obviously I never said that. I hate Bill Murray’s humour. If being a deadpan asshole was funny, where’s my Laffy Award? Is that even a thing? I don’t know. I hate awards shows and I hate jokes that aren’t at the expense of terrorist sympathizers like young Mr. Porter.
3. Has nobody else noticed that Mr. Porter is always published in the opinion section? His news aim is so bad he submits to the wrong section every time he writes! And that terrorist sympathizer of an opinion editor Alex Rake lets him in like my roof lets in the rain. Nobody has come to fix it. The roofers always hang up on me when I bring up Bill C-51, our only defense against shoddy journalism.
4. Bill C-51 passed Commons! Mr. Porter fails to recognize this in his article. Sure, it was published before it happened, but if he had a shred of journalistic integrity he would have published it as if it were already true. Am I the only one who understands morality and destiny?
6. One of the most hurtful mistakes that Mr. Porter made is that he did not publish my press release for The Best of Canada as a news article like I had asked. Instead, he merely mentioned the show. Actually, he mentioned me and my friend Hugh mentioning the show. This makes the show appear worthy of ridicule (it’s totally not), and this is not good. The Best of Canada was our only defense against American television.
7. Finally, young Mr. Porter is very desperate to paint me as somehow representative of Canadian conservatism. Just because my hero Pierre Trudeau was extremely conservative doesn’t mean I am. I don’t identify as such at all. I’m just reasonable.
Read ‘em and weep: exactly seven mistakes in your recent article, Repp. I suppose your obviously biased writing is why The Cascade hired you over me. I’m not bitter — I’m just right. I have never made a mistake in any article, let alone the seven I have spotted in yours. I encourage everyone to find his article online and leave rude remarks for the sake of justice. I hope then he will finally figure it out.