Print Edition: January 21, 2015
From the beginning, I opposed the provincial government’s 2005 policy prohibiting universities from charging tuition for ABE, or “Adult Baby Education.” Adult babies are weirdos who wear diapers and make me sweaty and I hate them and never understood why UFV was offering them cheap education while I had to pay ungodly amounts of money for my grown-up, half-finished business degree.
But what joy to discover that not only has the government lifted this policy, but that UFV will now be among the institutions charging these developmental deviants more for what the rest of us had to pay for — basic high-school education! Speaking of which, I knew somebody from high school who became an adult baby, and there’s nothing about him that suggests a greater need for basic, affordable, accessible education other than the fact that his fetish is disturbing and he never responds to my emails inquiring about it.
The fewer breaks we give adult babies, the stronger our community will be. Dr. Clara Friar, local expert on babies, argued on one of my midnight Facebook statuses that a more educated population can only strengthen a community, but she was certainly referring to actual babies and not bizarre adults sucking on bottles and excluding me from their parties (how does excluding me build community?). Let’s not allow them any social capital where they don’t deserve it so they might stop existing and we don’t have to suppress thoughts about them all day long anymore.
Perhaps the argument will be made that UFV ought to continue offering Adult Baby Education without hiking up the price, disappearing grants or no, since student fees already cover the costs of running the courses, but this ignores the fact that universities shouldn’t offer this education in the first place. What I really mean is that we can learn a lot from Russia; recently they’ve decided not to give driver’s licences to sexual deviants like adult babies in order to reduce the staggering amount of accidents on the country’s roads. At the same time, any non-deviant with the money can buy a licence without the whole arbitrary testing process. This is the sort of model our society — and truly all systems — should strive toward: vastly increasing the chasm between the lowly and deserving so that the deserving don’t have to deal with people who don’t matter.
Also, if anybody wants to, uh, “talk” about adult baby stuff, just send a message to NotScottProtter on FetLife. I’m basically available all the time.