By Dessa Bayrock (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: November 21, 2012
I’ll admit that I listened to some N’Sync and Backstreet Boys as an awkward tween, and I know I’m not alone. However, I now find myself faced with a boy band comprised of members the same age that I am, and I’ve suddenly realized that boy band members don’t even pretend to play instruments. Yes, dear reader – I’m talking about One Direction.
In all honesty, I’m in favour of decently-attractive Irish boys who spend their music videos dancing on beaches, and their songs are even decently catchy. The thing is—and I know you’re not supposed to do this—have you ever listened to their lyrics?
We’ll start with the first track, “Let’s Live While We’re Young.” The title doesn’t sound that awful. That’s a nice enough sentiment, isn’t it?
Then they start singing.
“Hey girl, I’m waiting on you. Come on and let me sneak you out.”
Maybe if you grew up watching ‘90s-era teen movies with Billy Joel soundtracks, the idea of sneaking your girlfriend out of her house is romantic and adventurous. However, we live in a world where if you try to sneak my teenage daughter out of her room at night, I will painfully and brutally show you why you should never do it again.
It only gets better from here. “Tonight let’s get some, and live while we’re young,” croon the adorable boy-banders. Sorry, what? You’re going to sneak my teenage daughter out of her room, and then you’re going to “get some?” Is that supposed to be a romantic euphemism?
While we’re at it, I hate to break it to you, but as long as you are alive you will be living. That is how both verbs and life work.
The second track has a similarly innocent title: “The Kiss.” Cute, right? Well, it would be. Except, One Direction, the first line is once again your complete undoing.
“Oh, I just want to take you any way that you like.”
. . . One Direction, we both know that you are not talking about taking my teenage daughter to the movies or to the roller derby. You are using another euphemism for sex and pretending you are not.
I’m not even going to get into the line where you say, “I just want to show you off to all of my friends, making them drool on their chinny-chin-chins.” #Objectification. #BigBadWolf? I don’t even know what’s going on here. You should have just kept to the refrain, which is, in fact, catchy and cute.
Moving right along, “Little Things” is a bearable ballad. We’ll just leave it at that.
It’s quickly followed by “C’mon, C’mon,” which ramps back up into the auto-tuned and drum-machined status quo. It’s not half-bad, except for the line, “I’ve been watching you all night. There’s something in your eyes, saying ‘C’mon, c’mon, and dance with me baby.’”
. . . Let me reinterpret that: “I could see it in her eyes – she wanted to dance with me! She wanted it! She said she didn’t want it, but she totally did!”
One Direction, please stop creeping the clubs. You don’t understand women. And in any other profession, Human Resources would be making you take a course right now.
“Last First Kiss” is, again, bearable. When you say, “Maybe I’m a fool, yeah,” I’m inclined to agree with you. (Maybe you can explore that in a follow-up album!) And when you say, “I want to be the first to take it all the way like this,” I hope to God you are talking about marriage or I’m going to get my shotgun.
There’s an interesting addition to “Heart Attack” that doesn’t appear anywhere else on the album – a “YEEOOOW!” sound effect that sounds like a cross between a cat call and a cougar hunting cry, but is probably one of the loveable Irish boys. For some reason it makes me think of Courtney Cox, and also sexual harassment. For both our sakes, One Direction, I would strongly consider contacting HR and taking a course before writing your next album, because cat-calling is largely frowned upon in this society.
Before the song ends, we truly see that One Direction is king of the lyrics.
“Never thought it’d hurt so bad, getting over you. You’re giving me a heart attack!” Oh, One Direction, that is so deep. After all, she is literally hurting your heart.
And I see what you did with “Rock Me,” using the stomp-stomp-clap of Queen’s “We Will Rock You” for your own nefarious purposes. I think this slight difference in title alone is pretty indicative of One Direction’s thoughts on life – transferring the focus from audience (“We will rock you”) to the band itself (“I want to you to rock me”). One Direction? More like Five Narcissists.
I have to mention, however, that this song has my favourite line from the whole album: “I want you to hit the pedal, heavy metal, show me you care.”
Disclaimer: this album is about as far as you can get from heavy metal without being Taylor Swift.
Another forgettable and not-quite-creepy pseudo-ballad arrives in the shape of “Change My Mind.”
“Baby, if you say you want me to stay for the night, I’ll change my mind.”
Thanks for the favour, One Direction! How about I beg you to stay, and then you say, “Okay, you can have this sexy body for a little bit longer. You’re welcome!” (You are invited to use that line in your next album, but I expect recompense. We can negotiate.)
I can’t even understand what you’re saying in most of the next song, “I Would,” except for the predictable refrain of “I would” and the gem of the line, “I can’t compete with your boyfriend. He has 27 tattoos!”
Because, obviously, tattoos equals toughness. It is known.
I was almost pleasantly surprised with “Over Again,” which is another pseudo-ballad, but has lyrics that are more complicated and may even use basic literary devices. However, one of them likens hand-holding to the tightness of a t-shirt; banality quickly reasserts itself.
And is that a note of desperation I hear when you sing, “You’ll never know how to make it on your own . . . do you really want to be alone?”
One Direction, maybe you should just make a day of it and take a workshop on healthy relationships as well. Just a thought.
To sum up the last three tracks in a nutshell, “Back For You” deals with the dichotomy of One Direction always leaving on tour but begging the subject of the song to never ever leave them. I hate to break it to you, kids, but long-distance never really has had a happy ending – even if you’ve “never been so into somebody before.” (Life pro tip: it’s because you only hit puberty last year and she was the first girl that didn’t make fun of your pizza face.)
The penultimate track, “They Don’t Know About Us,” is kind of like Romeo and Juliet in that people say they’re “too young to know about forever” and “shouldn’t be together.” Oh, except for the fact that if Shakespeare met One Direction he would kick their asses for being pansies. At least Romeo put a ring on it.
Finally, “Summer Love” finishes the album. I have to admit that I hoped it would be a cover of the Grease classic, but, alas, this was not the case (and I’m probably happier being wrong).
As they croon about the end of a summer love, they join voices on the chorus, “It feels like snow in September,” which is honestly the strongest imagery in the album. It’s kind of a sad note to end the album on, but even 13-year-olds need break-up songs these days. Besides, it’s balanced out by the happy fact that this album is, indeed, over.
