Every generation has a debate, fight, or challenge that defines it, something that not only reflects the battles in the hearts and minds of the souls who witness it, but also decides the direction of history itself. It is the great storm that shakes and echos well into the future.
Before every storm though, is quiet. In that lull of action people gather their thoughts, draw their perspectives inwards, and eye the ground where the lines will be drawn. Oh, and there is a vice-presidential debate.
While the real contenders licked their wounds and readied themselves for their town hall clash, the slice of bread and glass of curdled milk that lapped at their coattails decided it would be cute to put themselves on a stage and pretend people cared. Yet no one did and no one does, so eclipsed are they by the spectacle that is Trump and Clinton that the only way to recollect my vague memories of last Tuesday’s VP debate is to reframe it in my mind as a dark match in the World Wrestling Entertainment lineup.
Tuesday night saw mashed potato-esque geriatrics give a half-assed performance to a crowd made up of people who either accidently got the wrong tickets or came a week early to the main event so they could stake out their seats and use the washrooms before they got gross.
Virginia Senator Tim Kaine, whose promo ability is defined by frequent smug parroting of Clinton catchphrases and being vaguely recognizable to smarks, showed a level of energy reserved for only jobbers who are just excited to hear people say their name. On the other hand Indiana Governor Mike Pence came into the bout with a fully realized gimmick, that of a compassionless zealot who believes that by mimicking genuine human smiles, expressions, and Anderson Cooper’s hair, that he might be one day accepted by the masses. We really must commend him for the legitimate heat he generates from audiences; were it not for his tag partner making him look reasonable in comparison, he could easily be booked as a monster heel.
While Kaine (oh how we wish it was Kane) showed energy, he relied heavily on a strategy of flexing his eyebrows and trying to setup a spot that would have Pence fumbling to defend his running mate. However, Pence’s constant refusal to sell turned the bout into a dud. The only way to have it redeemed would have been to turn it into a shoot, but unfortunately this election has proven that dreams do not come true — only nightmares.