Print Edition: April 2, 2014
Sex is not romantic.
Everyone knows how sex scenes in movies go: there’s some slow music in the background with heavy bass, there might be a bit of scratching, biting, or hair-pulling, and when both man and woman climax they do so at the same time, perfectly. After their sexy love encounter they fall apart gracefully between clean satin sheets and hold each other — and we’re not even going to touch pillow talk.
Sex in real life doesn’t work like that — sorry to burst your happy, virginal bubble. I once dated a guy who liked to play music to get into the “rhythm” of things. He turned his iPod onto some slow love song, which was nice to set the mood, but made me think, “Dude, you’re trying way too hard.” Just as things were starting to heat up, the song ended and Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” started. Suffice to say I couldn’t help but laugh, and the whole sexy atmosphere he was going for was destroyed with a single chorus. So, if you’re going to have sex to music at least put in the effort to make an airtight playlist first.
Rough sex is fun. Admit it, in the heat of the moment, especially when your partner hits the perfect spot, sometimes you need to run your nails down their back, pull their hair, or nibble on their ear. Some people go for blood, but that’s not everyone’s game, so playing rough has got to be something both parties agree on before someone digs their nails in too deep. It can totally ruin the moment if your partner isn’t expecting it.
Talking about ruining climaxes, that perfectly timed duo come-session in movie sex scenes typically feels like winning the lottery, because that’s how often it happens. Usually the guy has to hold back his orgasm, if he’s got that kind of magical ability, and wait for the woman to follow her thread of pleasure. If the guy can’t hold back, we all know what happens here; the women has to wait until the next sexual encounter, finish off on her own, or rock back and forth on a quickly softening joystick. And nobody likes to be rushed. It’s a whole different game if you’re rolling in hay with someone of the same sex. Just pray she knows what she’s doing with her fingers, or things can get awkward pretty fast.
Once both partners come down from their climaxes, or at least one of them, there’s a moment when the question to separate hangs in awkward silence. When the guy pulls out, there is no graceful collapse into satin sheets. Instead, there’s a lot of grunting, or complaining; her legs were spread too wide and her thighs hurt, or his knees are locking up. The sorriest sight is when they both rush to the bathroom. The woman tries to keep from dripping semen everywhere and has to wipe it from her inner thighs, and the man takes his turn to clean his shaft — that’s something we don’t get to see in movies.
And when everyone is cleaned off and has settled back into bed, the last thing they want to do is hold each other close, because that means someone’s going to have to lie in the wet spot.