The Office of the UFV President

By the authority vested in me by the UFV Board of Governors and the bylaws of the University Act it is hereby ordered as follows:

No pepperoni, on account of it being more a grease sink than a real topping and yet not as flavourful as other protein-rich options. Instead, we will go with sausage or chicken if it’s seasoned.

Extra black olives, not green, which is too mild to bother with, and extra green peppers, which for some reason are always cheaper than the other colours.

Tomato sauce and daiya cheese, which surprisingly is the most rich and creamy option. Mozzarella and cheddar had their heyday years ago, but at this point most major chains are soaking eraser shavings and paper mache in yellow and white food colouring.

Regular hand-tossed crust. Why would you pay for thin? Not only are you losing out on the calories to value scale, but you don’t get the nice chewy crust to dip into your side dish of chipotle mayo, marinara, and possible Italian garlic sauce.

No pop, sugary drinks that don’t get you drunk are for children.

For immediate release. Please knock upon arrival, we’re in the basement of the house across from E building.

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