Print Edition: July 16, 2014
The Conservatives have added another stipulation to their original 209 that must be fulfilled before the Enbridge pipeline project gets the green light — the oil cannot be gay.
“We have to make sure our quality of oil remains up to industry standards,” says one MP. “Gay oil is, very often, too crude. We can’t take our chances.”
The Opposition has been very vocal about the Conservatives’ violations of oil’s right as a citizen under the Albertan Charter of Rigs and Frackdoms. One member urges the Conservatives to heed the words of Pierre Trudeau, who once said that there is no place for the state in the bedrocks of oil. “Let them frack whatever way they want,” she finished, elbowing the interviewer and saying “eh? Eh?”
The Cascade contacted Dr. Cee Spoils, whose research provided the rationale behind the government’s added condition. She recalled the day she looked at a puddle of water tainted with oil near the refinery.
“The water looked like it had rainbows in it,” she said about the incident, two years ago. “There is only one scientific explanation to rainbows in oil: the oil is gay.”
The prime minister spoke in a press conference with his cabinet ministers earlier this week, remarking that he only sticks to facts and is not making any value judgments based on the oil’s lifestyle choices. He also mentioned that there is no discrimination in science. When asked by reporters about his own possible discrimination of science, the prime minister interrupted the question, saying “Sciiiiiiiiience,” and then made explosion sounds as his cabinet ministers replicated a dubstep drop.
The Conservatives have made no comment on whether oil will be allowed to have abortions, and debate has continued over whether or not oil has right to its own death by means of euthanasia.