Opinion

Nestle saves British Columbia in unprecedented act of corporate heroism

BC had already spent over 80 per cent of its wildfire budget and things were looking grim.

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By Sidney Falco (Future Correspondent) – Email

Print Edition: July 15, 2015

BC had already spent over 80 per cent of its wildfire budget and things were looking grim. The wildfires that had been burning all summer long finally connected in mid-August, becoming one “superfire” engulfing southern BC, and there were few resources available to stop it as it destroyed half the province, leaving over a million dead. That is, until thousands of Nestle water-bombers took to the sky and eliminated the inferno all at once with over a billion litres of Nestle products, including Perrier, Nestea, and Nesquik chocolate syrup.

“Forest fires are not a human right,” explained Nestle CEO Peter Brabek in a press conference held on the ashen remains of Abbotsford, BC, where the last of the superfires was put out. “These fires ought to be privatized, so that they might have value.”

Critics of Nestle’s intervention note that the company’s use of its products instead of regular water doubles as a blatant marketing ploy and as a dishonest method of assuaging the public’s negative opinion of the Water Sustainability Act, which will allow corporations to extract water from the province for $2.25 per million litres in 2016.

“The public will be all like, ‘We better give these dudes water cuz they’re heroes and stuff,’ and they’ll forget how that’s exactly what they thought sucked a couple months ago,” said child activist Little Lisa Stevenson in a public speech she gave at Sunnybear Orphanage, which has seen a boom in business since the superfire. CSIS is currently investigating everyone who signed the petition to stop the water deal between BC and Nestle, including Little Lisa.

“Nestle is Canada’s greatest hero,” said spokesman Hugh Tilly-Tarianism. “We don’t want anyone protesting our heroes, do we?”

Besides, freedom of assembly, association, and speech are like water — not human rights.”

August 31, 2015

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