Opinion

Satire: A look back on 2014’s 14-year plan

Caution: the following article’s use of English is in the class of “beyond practical application.” Those who have been in high school for the last 14 years may find this entry a little difficult to read.

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By Chris Topia (Contributor) – Email

Print Edition: October 8, 2014

Caution: the following article’s use of English is in the class of “beyond practical application.” Those who have been in high school for the last 14 years may find this entry a little difficult to read.

It has been 14 years since BC’s universally acclaimed education blueprint was introduced. The first set of completely immersed graduates are now out in full force across the province with wrenches in their hands and smiles on their faces. To celebrate these great times, The Cascade looks back at a couple of moments, big and small, that shed an oil light on the glorious road we have trekked and will continue to trek as the great People’s Republic of Canada.

Kindermorgangarten

The first kindermorgangarteners were in for a treat on their first day of school. Children got to play with shapes, and were later instructed to place hammers with sickles. Afterward, the teacher read from the classic children’s book, The Three Practical Pigs and the Big Bad Nerd (written, of course, by Mother Clark and illustrated by Father Harper). After such busy activity, the kids strapped on those hard-hats and got to napping!

Kids were sent home happy and energetic with a Kinder Morgan Surprise — those hollow, egg-like chocolates with a surprise drop of oil in the middle. The next day they would play Pin the Pipeline on the Unceded Territory.

Brain Drain Prevention Program

There was a threat that a deal as ingenious as the education revamp would debase some of our population: those anti-Canadians who felt alienated by the plan, or had taken arts and humanities courses. These cretins had previously left the country en masse in the 1990s, after Grandfather Mulroney opened Canada’s doors to the world with the Canada-United States Free Trade Agreement (which later evolved into NAFTA). In a stroke of brilliance, Harper drafted the Brain Drain Prevention Program (BDPP).

A key tenet in the BDPP was the establishment of think-tanks in Nunavut, where these people had the opportunity to do what they’re good at — fester in anti-Canadian skepticism — while their raw logic and creativity was exported to China.

The reason revolution

Perhaps the hardest hurdle we faced was confronting the logical fallacy that was reason itself. As the school system started the transition from learning to earning, there were many initial criticisms of the educational reform. Clark dealt with it the way she’s always dealt with things — with a warm smile on her face and an official statement that humbly underplays her genius.

It was perhaps the most nail-biting part of the entire 14-year plan, since it rested on those who still had the capacity for criticism within them. Thankfully, those who were angry with the transition were not angry enough to organize themselves under the banner of awful logic, and the discomfort was soon forgotten about.

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