Print Edition: October 1, 2014
Every religion has its perks. Catholics get crackers and juice or wine, Sikhs sport the best headwear, and Buddhists are impervious to stress. Pagans, however, get the best perks of all.
Dabbling in the dark arts
Pagans are Satan-worshippers — ask anyone. Well, anyone except a pagan, that is. But one of the biggest perks of paganism is that shocked, horrified expression on someone’s face after you’ve told them your religion. Yes, back away, for I will use my terrifying evil powers to drag you into the depths of hell.
After all, pagans gave us Christmas, so the next course of action would be for us to drag you beneath the earth to burn for all eternity. You see, all pagans are the minions of evil, and as soon as you discover our secrets, we have to destroy you. Sorry — just like Christmas, it’s tradition.
Life is like Woodstock
After damning you to your worst nightmares, we dance naked around an open flame in the middle of the woods until our satanist leader sacrifices a lamb in the name of evil, then we drink its blood. Of course, there are drugs involved in this ritual, which ends as we fornicate on the blood-soaked ground. It’s the pagan way of life, our way of really appreciating nature.
All religions for the price of one
Pagans believe in every supernatural phenomenon that comes our way. It’s not conflicting to believe in witch-doctors, potions, spells, voodoo, spirits, possession, the occult, every deity from every pantheon all at once, the elements, and Satan … not conflicting at all. Our policy is to accept everything as true. Who doesn’t love a back-up, in case one system doesn’t work out? If you’re not pagan, you’re not prepared.
Don’t believe us? Get ready for a heinous spell, because again, we love cursing people for no apparent reason using a plethora of weird ingredients and incantations. It’s the bomb.
Career prospects: talking to the dead
Obviously, pagans are also not original or diverse. We all believe the same things: casting evil spells, wearing all black, and proclaiming our witchiness for all the world to hear.
Know what else we all love? Attention. There’s nothing better than walking down the street and having people stare at our pentacles (the exact same thing as a pentagram).
So, we’re all off to become psychics and talk to the dead someday. Oh, yeah. That’s living the pagan dream.