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The Humourator

Thanks to modern society, I’ve made it safely into adulthood without developing any real skills… of any kind. And, thanks to the wonders of modern society, I have enough distractions to keep me from thinking too hard about how much of a useless buffoon this really makes me.

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Thanks to modern society, I’ve made it safely into adulthood without developing any real skills… of any kind. And, thanks to the wonders of modern society, I have enough distractions to keep me from thinking too hard about how much of a useless buffoon this really makes me.

Take for example, my ability to feed myself. I have three basic options when I feel the familiar gnaw within my belly: I can wait for someone else to make food; I can make a simple water-boiling-only dish like pasta; or I can please my desperately-begging inner child and head out to the nearest fast food joint to gobble down the oiliest thing I can find on the menu. One time I tried to make Side Kicks, the pre-made pasta you empty into a boiling pot of water and milk. By minute three, I had concocted a giant tower of foaming milk froth that began covering the stove and the surrounding countertop. I am either a bad chef or a great mad scientist. By the time all the water had boiled away I was left with noodles that were crunchy on the inside. Still good, though.

The point is that I can get away with being a total retard in the kitchen and still have the self -worth to show my face in public. I’m not just talking about cooking, either; I’ve actually taught myself to stop using my brain. I am forced to use the computer to look up things online all the time, because I honestly never bothered to learn them. I even use Google Maps to find my friends’ houses, and if I lost my cell phone I wouldn’t know anyone’s phone number. Facebook tells me when my friends’ birthdays are, and if I don’t know how to spell a word, I just type it the wrong way and my computer fixes it for me. That’s right: by taking advantage of things that make my life easier, I’ve actually become completely useless. I don’t have to learn anything anymore, and as a result, I don’t know anything!

Dump me out on a deserted island somewhere and my in-depth knowledge of Lost and the possible ways the final episode can be interpreted will mean very little. Thank god for school, though, because while I don’t remember anything I learned in any of my classes, I’m very prepared in case a standardized multiple-choice test question is ever a life or death matter. Yes, school has taught me the ins-and-outs of learning numerous things in one night, telling them to someone the next day, and then forgetting them immediately afterward. I’ve yet to find an environment – besides school – where this ability has really benefited me in any way, but surely society has put me through these many years of fantastically expensive education to prepare me for something… right? Or, wait, I guess I should have remembered some of what I learned… damn!

The good news is that it’s never too late to put on an apron and learn how to bake, but I think I’ll do that right after I watch a little TV.

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