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Wail songs

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They say boat noise bothers the orcas. It’s true, and is part of the reason increasing shipping traffic off the B.C. coast will harm our water-dwelling cousins.

But I think the real problem is the six-year-olds whose lazy parents hand them an iPad and let them blast obnoxious and over-stimulating noises at full volume throughout the entire ferry ride. That’s what’s driving the southern resident population to extinction.

I’m not sure if I’ve heard such an awful and complex set of sounds. I just hope the orcas don’t misinterpret these noises as a form of aggression. Even if not aggression, it gave me a migraine, and I’ll bet the orcas don’t fare any better.

But I have a solution: the steelheads are nearly extinct, and there seems to be an endless supply of snot-nosed six-year-olds. We’ll feed the orcas the children for first offences; for second, we’ll send in the parents.

Problem solved, and I get to enjoy the orcas for another 10 years.  

Image: Amara Gelaude/The Cascade

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