By Nick Ubels (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: April 10, 2013
I recently started browsing a sub-Reddit called ShitCosmoSays. It brought me back to one of my favourite grocery store pastimes: covertly glancing at the contents of an array of salacious glossies near the checkout. They’re always good for a laugh or two, and this way I’m able to check out a curated list of some of the best of the worst without having to leave the comfort of my own home.
The sub-Reddit’s posts are pretty self-explanatory – users compile some of the most ludicrous relationship advice in everyone’s favourite trashy mags and posts snippets for others to ridicule and chuckle about.
Take this gem, from the Cosmo article “Six Signs You’re Probably Getting Friend-Zoned” by Carson Griffith. “Chosen Communication Method: Text,” it reads. “Not sexts. Just texts. It’s a sin our generation shares (for a multitude of unknown reasons, we find it hard to actually-gasp!-talk on our telephones), but you barely know what his voice actually sounds like on the phone. Guess who else doesn’t? His buddies. (Just sayin.’)”
Wait, what? Let me get this straight. If your potential romantic interest happens to choose text messages as their preferred mode of communication, not just with you, but with everyone important in his or her life, that’s a sure sign that they’re not actually interested in you? My head hurts.
I don’t know any of my friends who have the guts and/or the free time to spend chatting on the phone with the same frequency they will text a potential mate. In my experience, a steady stream of texts from someone hardly rules out a romantic entanglement.
Here’s another piece of comedy gold from Cosmopolitan’s hallowed pages. This time, it’s lousy advice disguised as a quiz question: “When he says: ‘I really like those shoes.’ What does he really mean?” These are the only possible answers readers have to choose from: “You look weird,” “Can we have sex later?” and “I’m in so much trouble. I’d better make nice.”
How about we happen to fucking like your shoes and thought it would be nice to compliment your style?
To be fair, the male equivalent of Cosmo, Men’s Health, doesn’t fare much better when it comes to relationship advice. In “7 Signs She’ll Be Good In Bed,” Men’s Health advises selecting a compatible partner based on their preference of ice cream flavour.
I like raspberry and you like French vanilla? Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
As I read page after page of similarly ill-fated advice, my laughter began to turn to sink into an overwhelming sense of sadness and fear. What if some lonely soul in search of love or sex actually takes this stuff seriously?
I can only imagine the sheer amount of batshit crazy that would transpire if two dedicated readers of each magazine happened to get together. In order to relight the flame, she would answer the door in nothing but pigtails, but feel slighted because his toes happen to be pointed anywhere but directly at her. He’d suspect her of cheating because she changed her hairstyle.
It’s impossible to fit the endless complexities of human sexual relationships into such weirdly specific boxes. It’s a one-size-fits-all approach, but one rendered in such bizarre and counter intuitive detail that the bulk of it couldn’t possibly apply to most of our experiences.
These sort of “tips” encourage nothing but serial over-thinking and a constant drive to decode rather than discuss with your partner. As awkward or fraught as it can seem, open communication is the only way to foster a healthy relationship.
Shutting the door on discussion? That’s a sure-fire relationship killer.
