Do you want some ointment for that burn?
By: Andrea Sadowski
My deepest sympathy goes out to everyone who works in retail this time of year. The greatest woe of working in a busy storefront during the holiday season might be the never-ending stream of Christmas songs that lodge themselves deep into your brain. The most overplayed song of them all is Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” Since the iconic ballad first came on the airwaves in 1994, it has earned Carey more than $60 million in royalties alone.
Let’s talk for a minute about the grave insult in this song that Carey unleashes unto the world like the diva she is. The first line of the song is: “I don’t want a lot for Christmas,” and then she goes on to reveal that “All I want for Christmas is you.” Mariah Carey is telling you that you are not much. So please, stop playing this song in malls everywhere until the ears of retail workers bleed, because it’s not the cute little love song we all thought it was- it’s Mariah throwing shade at her lover.
Liquid liabilities
By: Aleister Gwynne
Disposing of an empty bottle or cup is simple enough, but what do you do with one that still has some liquid in it? Maybe your hot beverage has gone cold and you don’t want to keep drinking it. Perhaps you do not have time to finish your drink before you have to go somewhere where beverages are not allowed. Maybe you decided to try something new, but didn’t like it and don’t want to finish the rest. There are a few inelegant solutions to this problem, such as dumping it on the grass or down a water fountain, or just chugging what you have left. Even so, it would be nice if there was a place where we could dispose of our unwanted leftover fluids. It wouldn’t have to be fancy. A watertight receptacle that gets emptied and rinsed out twice a day would be sufficient. I find it odd that a place with a constant population of roving caffeine addicts like UFV has no solution to this very real problem.
Pumpkins are pumpkins are pumpkins, and fruits
By: Jessica Barclay
Let’s settle this argument once and for all. Pumpkins are not gourds. Pumpkins are also usually not squash. Pumpkins are pumpkins.
There is no official scientific definition of a pumpkin, as there are numerous cultivated varieties. The one most of us are most familiar with is the bright orange Cucurbita pepo subspecies. The species includes various zuccinies, squash, gourds, and of course, our favourite Halloween carving fruit. The Cucurbita moschata species contains butternut squash and the less commonly known Long Island cheese pumpkins that are often used in commercial pumpkin pie mixes.
As you can see, there are huge morphological differences even within the same species, let alone the same entire Cucurbitaceae family, so how can we tell them apart? The non-scientific distinction is that in the Cucurbitaceae family, pumpkins are the round edible fruits, squashes are the irregularly shaped edible fruits, and gourds are the non-edible fruits.
Yes, pumpkins are also fruits but that’s a discussion for another day.
When I die, put me in the bone jacuzzi
By: Mikaela Collins
You’ve heard of burying the dead, and you’ve heard of burning the dead, but you may not have heard of boiling the dead, like how you would beg your mom to let you boil dead animals for their skeletons after reading that scene in Charlotte’s Web — or was that just me?
It’s called water cremation, and it’s an environmentally friendly option that still lets you take home a bundle of “ashes.” (In both traditional and water cremation, the grey powder that is given to the deceased’s loved ones is actually pulverized bones.) Instead of using fuel to burn a body, water cremation essentially boils and gently dissolves a person’s flesh, and the resulting sludge can get drained away into your run-of-the-mill municipal sewer system, or used as compost. It’s currently not legal in B.C., and that’s understandable — some people might be uncomfortable with the idea of a loved one being turned into goo and washed away like toothpaste spit. However, I, for one, welcome the opportunity to become a formless mass of amino acids — maybe then guys will stop staring at me on the bus.
Illustrations: Kelly Ning/The Cascade
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
