Your guide to resolving conflicts like a full-grown human being
I once had a boyfriend who told me that he never wanted to fight with his girlfriend; he said that if couples fought, even once, it was a sign of incompatibility. After hearing this, I was afraid to start a discussion of any kind because that would signal the end of our relationship. After a while, I caught on to his toxic tactics and we parted ways. There is going to be conflict in every relationship, so it’s important we learn how to fight like adults instead of avoiding conflict and letting all our hot-button issues fester until they smell like the rotting flesh of a relationship that once was. This advice can be applied to any relationship — not just your romantic endeavours. Try some of these tips on your co-workers, roommates, friends, or parents, and strive for healthier connections.
Don’t expect anyone to read your mind. So often we stew in a state of passive-aggressive anger because someone did not pick up our cues about what we wanted, leaving us disappointed or hurt because they could not read our mind. Don’t do this. Clear communication is key to any good relationship. Just talk — talk about why you’re mad, say what upset you, clarify how your partner’s actions made you feel.
Instead of trying to win the argument, try to reach a resolution. Remember that you’re on the same team, and neither of you want to be in this uncomfortable conflict. You might as well try to work together to come up with some solutions instead of rehashing the situation over and over again, trying to place the blame on one another.
Deal with conflict as it comes up. A valuable lesson I learned when I lived in a community-living style home was to keep short accounts. Don’t let little things build up until someone explodes. If your roommate is constantly leaving dishes in the sink, if your supervisor is talking in a condescending tone, if your partner didn’t thank you for cleaning the house — address these issues right away. Remember that people can’t read your mind, so often people don’t even realize their actions are causing you distress until you address it. So deal with problems one by one instead of letting these little issues pile up into one big fight.
Use humour to diffuse tension. This works better with smaller issues, but if you play your cards right, you can use this tactic to diffuse any tense situation. Point out why your argument is silly, or crack a joke in the middle of fighting to let your partner know that you’re not as mad as you appear to be.
Never raise your voice. It is important to stay calm during an argument, because the moment someone raises their voice, the other person is instinctually going to do the same, and nothing good ever comes from a yelling match. I deal with interpersonal conflict resolution and de-escalation every day in my job at a homeless shelter and can testify that raising your voice is absolutely the last thing you want to do. Once you have lost your cool, you have lost your power. We are trained at the shelter where I work to disengage and walk away when a client starts yelling. Put physical space between you and your aggressor and, if you can get a word in, let that person know that this kind of behaviour will not be tolerated; they can come talk to you when they’ve calmed down.
Always treat your partner with respect. No matter how out of hand things get in an argument, there is never an acceptable time to be verbally abusive and call your partner names. As soon as that happens, you are opening up an entirely new argument and giving your partner valid reasons to resent you.
Be open to learning. A huge red flag in any relationship is when someone is never wrong. We all screw up — learn to recognize your mistakes and view them as learning opportunities.
Reconsider your relationship with anyone who shies away from arguments. If you are with someone who avoids any conflict, who shames you or gaslights you for bringing something to their attention that is bothering you, or who goes radio silent when you bring up something, you don’t need that in your life. Try dating a grown-ass adult who is capable of having an adult conversation and is able to communicate with you about how they are feeling. You deserve to be with someone who can argue in a healthy way, without threatening to end the relationship when conflict arises.
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
