Rejection happens to everybody. At some point in your life, you are bound to fall for someone who either doesn’t like you back, or who is not ready to give you the same level of affection and commitment that you are looking for. Trust me, I’ve been there. I have driven myself to absolute madness trying to devise a scheme in which a boy would magically fall in love with me and we would live happily ever after. There is no magic love potion, and no matter how sweet, funny, beautiful, intelligent, or charming you are, not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay.
Don’t get all down in the dumps over a silly, what-if relationship. Deal with your emotions, learn from your experience, and move on with your life. Be ready and open to find someone who will treat you like the royalty you are.
Rejection can take many forms — you ask someone out on a date who rejects your offer; after going on a coffee date with a cute girl you met on Tinder, she messages you saying she didn’t “feel a spark;” or perhaps you expressed your feelings for someone who didn’t feel the same way. In whatever way you experience rejection, it hurts. There are even studies showing that your brain displays the same sensory response to pain through interpersonal rejection as it does through physical pain. This is not hard to believe if you’ve ever experienced heartbreak so strongly that you feel a physical pain and tightness in your chest.
The first step after rejection is acknowledging these feelings of sadness. Recognize that it’s okay to feel hurt. Rejection sucks and if you need to wallow in your sadness for a bit with a tub of ice cream and reruns of The Office, that’s completely valid. However, don’t sink into a deep, dark pit lulled by a voice that tells you that you were rejected because you are unlovable and undesirable. This is simply not true.
Not only does the pain of rejection come with the loss of a potential partner, but it produces a shattered ego that leaves you questioning whether or not you should pursue anyone ever again. One excellent way to practise self-compassion is to make a list of all the reasons why you are an excellent partner. Why would someone be happy to date you? Maybe you make the most delicious pesto gnocchi, maybe you give incredible head or hugs, you could be an excellent listener, or great with little brothers and sisters. Whatever it is that makes you a wonderful partner, write it down and read this list whenever you need a reminder that you do have wonderful, date-able qualities.
You can only numb your pain with sweets or alcohol or weed for so long. In order to really heal from rejection, we need to connect with others. Humans are tribal animals who thrive from human connection, and the pain of rejection is often alleviated by being a part of a group. Whether this means going to church or a temple, joining an intramural futsal league, or having a gingerbread-house-making night with your best group of friends, make an intentional effort to socialize.
It’s important to process all the emotions that come up after a rejection, but do so with your best friend, your mom, a counsellor, or anyone other than the person who rejected you. They do not want to hear about how sad you are that they said no to you and they do not want to be there to wipe away your tears or explain for the millionth time why this isn’t going to work. This is simply not appropriate, and they don’t owe you this. Talk it over with someone, but do so with the right person.
I know that healing from heartbreak is truly painful and it is never a fun experience to be rejected, but there are ways to alleviate the pain until the thought of them doesn’t consume every minute of your day and you don’t cry every time you think of their cute face. There will come a day when you don’t wake with the sharp, stabbing pain in your chest that comes when you remember that they are no longer a part of your life. It may feel like an eternity from now, but it will come.
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Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
