Being in love is one of the best feelings in the world — it’s the ultimate rush of adrenaline and the butterflies in your stomach you get whenever you think about that one person. But sometimes those butterflies can be deceptive. They hypnotize you into believing that the person you’re with is perfect — that it’s a dream come true, when it might not be. You may be falling in love with the dreams you want to build together, and with their potential, rather than the actuality of who they are.
For me, when I build a connection based on the hope of what could be, I get stuck in the endless spiral of convincing myself that what I see is enough. I force myself to believe my partner is perfect because I can’t let go of the hopes I have for that person, and the hopes I have for us. As an example, when I was younger, I remember liking someone because of how much I was attracted to him, and ended up overlooking the fact that our values didn’t align. I hoped that with time, things might change. I loved the idea of my partner so much that I failed to see that I was settling for his disrespectful behaviours and emotional unavailability. It wasn’t until I walked away that I realized I was in love with the potential of what he could be — the ideal man I wanted — thinking that if I loved him harder, he’d rise to that potential.
It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this and others have similar stories to share. For example, in an article for HuffPost, author Tamara Angela admits to a deeply ingrained habit of falling for a person’s potential — a habit she calls horrible. She tends to see the best in people, believing everyone has redeeming qualities. I feel every relationship I’ve ever had has made me realize that I tend to draft dreamy love stories in my head and then get disappointed when the person doesn’t meet those expectations. Even so, this has also helped me grow as a person and know what I want in a relationship, what is realistic to expect, and what I can’t stand. Knowing my boundaries helps me know what to look for, know what I deserve, and remind myself to not settle for less.Â
Growing up I learned that it’s exceptionally important to be happy with yourself and love yourself — so if someone offers you love, you can accept it. You can’t pour from an empty cup. I believe you shouldn’t pause your life or wait to be happy until you find someone. If someone does come along, ask yourself if you’re okay with the person staying the way they are in the present. Asking this could help you tell whether you are falling for a dream or reality.
Falling for the potential of a dream is beautiful in theory, but extremely unrealistic. I think it’s like gambling because you can never be sure if the potential will turn into reality, and by the time you realize it won’t, you are all set up for heartbreak. I’d encourage you to be more self-aware, cultivate realistic expectations, and establish healthy boundaries. Remind yourself to always match actions with words and know that it’s not your job to fix someone with your love. If we cannot accept someone for who they are currently, I think we should let them go.Â
It’s important to realize that someone out there will meet all the expectations you have; and if one person won’t, someone else will. Still, I think it’s also important to learn to be happy by yourself. If we can love the potential so deeply, imagine how much more we can love someone who’s already everything we want them to be.
