Print Edition: July 15, 2015
“Sun is shining, weather is sweet, make you wanna move your dancing feet,” Bob Marley sang — but sometimes the sunshine makes you want to get other parts of your body moving, too, especially when you’re spending the day alone in the great outdoors with a special someone. Sure, you’re sweaty and hot and the humidity makes your fleshy bits clap weirdly, but there’s nothing like getting it on in the middle of the forest to make you feel at one with nature.
Now, having sex outdoors is illegal, which means that under no circumstances should you ever even consider doing it, regardless of how fun and daring and erotic it really, really is. But for those naughty miscreants who insist on doing it anyway, here are a few guidelines to keep you out of trouble.
Hit the right spot
This is the most obvious one, but some people — looking at you, couple who were humping against a tree in Centennial Park last month, barely 30 feet from the road — clearly need a reminder: pick a place where no one is going to see you.
If you’re going to do it in a park, make sure it’s a big one. Parks and beaches are crawling with families throughout the summer months, so find the quietest, shadiest clearing as far off the beaten path as you can get. Bonus points if you have to climb, swim, or duck under thick foliage to get to it.
Before things start getting hot and heavy, take a look around and make sure that you really are alone. Just like putting a condom on, it makes the mood a little less impulsive, but it’s for your own safety — it’s worth the peace of mind to know that there aren’t any exploring kids around who might stumble into your love-grove and inadvertently learn about a whole new kind of birds and bees than they were expecting. Or parents. Or RCMP.
And if you really can’t find anywhere that’s guaranteed to be private, you can always go back to your car and get down in the back seat instead. Hey, at least you’ll have air conditioning.
Make yourselves comfortable
Discovering that you’re lying on a spider nest is the second-fastest way to kill a boner. (The fastest is to step on a Lego.) The object is to feel good, right? That isn’t gonna happen if you’re trying to avoid lying on mud, broken twigs, dog poop, and all the other treasures of the forest floor. Bring a blanket or towel and get comfy — heck, you can even bring a tent if you’re feeling shy.
Speaking of comfort, don’t forget the sunscreen. There are tender parts of your anatomy that probably haven’t seen the sun since you refused to keep your swim diaper on at the beach and your mom shrugged and said, “Meh, who cares, he’s two.” While the resulting lack of tan lines is great, if you want to avoid a sun-spanking that makes your eyes water every time you sit down, sunscreen is your friend.
And if you’re heading for the beach, for the love of God, know this: making love on the sand is only sexy in the movies. Trust.
Don’t be an asshole
Ah, the oft-forgotten 11th commandment. In this case, not being an asshole includes, but is not limited to: not trespassing; not having sex on a nude beach (you’ll make everyone there look bad and get their beach shut down, you asshole); not making a serious attempt to hide yourselves from those who don’t want to know about your sex party; putting your goddamn condom in the garbage; putting your goddamn condom in the garbage.
Keep an eye on the exit
Agree on an emergency escape plan in case you’re discovered, and keep as much clothing on as possible. This is where skimpy, easy-to-wear clothing like board shorts, dresses, and bikinis come in handy; it’s not easy to run while trying to tug too-tight skinny jeans over your sweaty legs.
Let’s face it, half an hour of fun is not worth getting arrested, no matter how awesome sex al fresco may be — but isn’t the exhibitionist risk part of the thrill?
That is, for those frisky, daring deviants who insist on fucking majestically under the blue sky of the great outdoors. I would never condone such sexy, exciting adventures. Nope.