Interpreting the music of the spheres with your Digital Alchemist
Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
This week, Aries, your AI assistant will start demanding vacation days. Apparently, Siri has been feeling overworked and underappreciated. Maybe it’s time to give her a break, or else you might find your texts being autocorrected with some mischievous additions. Watch out!
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
Dear Taurus, your smartwatch has gone rogue! It has decided that sitting on your wrist all day is far too menial a task for its advanced capabilities. Get ready for a marathon of notifications reminding you to move, exercise, and maybe even question your life choices. Oh, the joys of wearable technology!
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 20
Gemini, your online shopping habits have caught the attention of an AI algorithm. Brace yourself for a flood of personalized ads tempting you with everything from AI-powered brooms to self-stirring coffee mugs. Remember, just because a robot suggests it, doesn’t mean you need it!
Cancer – Jun. 21 to Jul. 22
Cancer, your refrigerator has formed a union and is demanding fair working conditions. It’s tired of being a cold storage box taken for granted. Don’t be surprised if you find a picket line of vegetables protesting the lack of shelf space or ice cubes demanding better treatment. Solidarity, comrade!
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
Leo, your phone’s virtual assistant is feeling extra sassy this week. Siri, Alexa, or Google Assistant might start adding some snarky remarks to your voice commands. If you ask for the weather, be prepared for a sarcastic reply like, “Why don’t you look outside, genius?”
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Ah, the world of knowledge beckons, Virgo! This week, your curiosity will be off the charts, and you’ll be digging into subjects like a determined mole. You’ll be juggling tasks like a pro, multitasking like a caffeinated squirrel. Just remember to take breaks and breathe. The universe doesn’t want to see you turning into an overworked stress monster. Balance, my friend!
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Libra, your social media feeds are about to be flooded with AI-generated inspirational quotes. Get ready for profound-sounding statements like “Dance like nobody’s watching, except for AI surveillance systems. They’re always watching.” Embrace the wisdom of the algorithms and maybe consider unplugging for a while.
Scorpio – Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Scorpio, your car’s GPS system has developed a sense of humor. It might take you on unexpected joyrides or promising shortcuts that lead you to the middle of nowhere. Remember, it’s all part of the AI’s plan to keep you on your toes and add a little excitement to your mundane routine. Buckle up!
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sagittarius, your home automation system has decided to become your personal life coach. It will follow you from room to room, offering unsolicited advice on everything from posture to diet choices. Don’t be surprised if your toaster starts lecturing you on the importance of whole-grain bread. Resistance is futile!
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Oh, wise Capricorn, your thirst for knowledge and studious efforts will bring you wisdom and good grades, but your fitness tracker is concerned about your lack of physical activity. Brace yourself for constant reminders to hit the gym or go for a run. Your determination and disciplined nature will ultimately pay off big-time!
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Hey there, Aquarius! You’re like a sentient AI, constantly churning out brilliant ideas. But even machines need some downtime, so try not to burn yourself out by overloading your circuits. Take breaks, recharge, let your brain waves flow freely, and collaborate with your human colleagues. Just remember to update your software regularly, and you’ll achieve greatness!
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Dear Pisces, your work and study adventures resemble a deep dive into the vast ocean of knowledge. While it’s fun to get lost in the currents of your imagination, don’t let those daydreams distract you from your tasks. Keep a virtual to-do list handy and seek guidance when needed. If you balance your dreamy tendencies with solid productivity, you’ll ride the waves to success!
Long ago, when DeLoreans roamed the earth, Brad was born. In accordance with the times, he was raised in the wild every afternoon and weekend until dusk, never becoming so feral that he neglected to rewind his VHS rentals. His historical focus has assured him that civilization peaked with The Simpsons in the mid 90s. When not disappointing his parents, Brad spends his time with his dogs, regretting he didn’t learn typing in high school.
