Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
The semester has come to an end and although you made it to summer, you feel like the survivor of a shipwreck. It was a really tumultuous storm, and now you’re left on a raft floating to who-knows-where. If you find a volleyball, his name is Wilson.
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
There is a right way to be right and a wrong way to be right. There is a kind way to be right and then there is what you do. Being a dick in the disguise of righteousness might be defensible as right, and yes maybe you’re not “wrong,” but you’re still a dick.
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 20
You’ve been making steps to sieve through your generational trauma. You’re at that phase of the healing process where you are uncovering plenty of grit within your family you hadn’t seen before. There are a few more phases ahead, but eventually it will all refine.
Cancer – Jun. 21 to Jul. 22
Puzzles are puzzling. Sometimes the pieces just won’t fit together, sometimes the box with the image gets lost, and sometimes you just don’t know what you’re doing.
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
Stop comparing your insides to others’ outsides. One, you’ll never match up, two, you can’t know what’s actually going on in their insides, and three, you’re not the best judge of yourself either.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
OH MY GOD STOP! You are way too reactionary. You’re like an exposed nerve walking around, and when no one is around to poke you, you just start running toward sharp objects. Get a hobby. Give drama a break.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
If life was a game, you’re just playing it — not necessarily well, mind you, but respectably. Turn up the tunes, sit back, and play on.
Scorpio – Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You don’t have to ride the garbage truck all the way to the dump. If you know where things are heading, maybe turn around before it starts to stink. I know, I know, if you start doing that then how will you ever be able to show others what a martyr you are. And, if they don’t pity you then how will you know that they care? Maybe get a dog or something … I don’t know.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
So much to do, so much to see, but you’re stuck in a daydream fantasy. It’s better than your constant anxiety, but eventually you’ll need to deal with these insecurities.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Honestly, lately, you’ve been giving crypto-bro. All this posturing and confidence talk, all the using of all the buzzwords, it’s not a good look on you. Try anything else.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’re a coin with two sides, or I guess a plate is more accurate. On one side are vegetables, a nice steak, a good sauce, maybe some mash or fries. On the other, it’s twinkies, nutella covered marshmallows, and fried chicken. This tendency for lack of consistency makes it hard for the cards to predict anything.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Fail, try, fail, try, fail again. Quitting gets a bad rep, but honestly, I’ve always found the bravest ones to be the ones who know when something is not working and simply adapt instead of stubbornly failing over and over again. Don’t be stubborn, try something else.
