Your weekly life predictions made by Ageless Azalea
Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
You’ve struck up a solid deal that will change the trajectory of your life forever, probably. You think this is the best deal you’ve ever made, with absolutely no strings attached, yes — but don’t get too ambitious, dear Aries. Reevaluate what those terms actually mean and include your own conditions.
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
It’s okay to break out of that strict regimen you’ve got going on lately and indulge in something beneficial to your own well-being, like, I don’t know, enjoying yourself for once. Have you watched any good shows recently? No?
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 20
There are events approaching your near future that may or may not be avoidable. Someone may appear and change the laws of your known universe while consuming the stars within it. Think about your interactions with other people, and how that might affect you in the long term.
Cancer – Jun. 21 to Jul. 22
Your universal way of greeting other people is always “Sorry, did I bother you? Sorry!” or “Oh no, I’m so, so sorry…,” never “hello” or “goodbye” or “actually, I didn’t want pickles with this order” — either way, it’s time to respect yourself a little more, Cancer.
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
Do a tally of how many “I’s” and “me’s” and “Oh, but I—” you say consecutively in a day. Once you have that data, make a pie chart out of it and present it as an autobiography.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You obsess over minute details and find yourself lost in a world where others do not think quite the same, but instead of this fact, you’re seen as the lone denominator, the outlier that skews the graph. Find and talk to someone who also shares your vision in the seeing glass.
Libra – Sep. 23 to Oct. 22
You desire order, justice, and most of all, grades that look pretty on a transcript. How will you achieve this? Well, first of all, stop reading this short little excerpt and get to work on those neglected assignments. You’re a week behind schedule.
Scorpio – Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You know what, you’re not all that bad. The other signs like to stereotype you as this diabolical master manipulator that leaves a trail of traumatized souls wherever they go, but we all know you’re misunderstood.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It’s time to get up and face the real world. You’ve been secluded for far, far too long, and it’s about time you get up and… oh, what do the poets say? Spread your wings.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The school season is tag-teaming you at all ends, Cap. Find someone that can help lift you off the ground.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You don’t possess “main character energy,” or whatever that entails. An individuality complex, sure, but with the many unnecessary “skills” included in your resume, humbling yourself should be part of those personal goals.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Pisces, everyone in the room can hear you! You don’t have to shout!
