The apocalypse is upon us, and the government is doing everything they can to protect the world from a virus that does not discriminate based on how many zeros are in your bank account. Everyone who leaves their house at any point for any need will be arrested on sight. The virus must be contained. We need to flatten that curve like puberty in reverse.
This just in: Beyonce, the Queen Bee, has fallen ill to COVID-19; Coachella is cancelled in her honour. The first lady, Melania Trump, has also been diagnosed with the virus; however, her husband is not too worried about her illness because this whole virus thing is bound to blow over soon anyways, just like global warming. Many have fallen, but all will have extremely clean butts, as they have ensured the means to safely wipe with abundant amounts of toilet paper.
I am currently on day eight of my 90-day self-quarantine. Medical professionals have advised people to quarantine themselves for only 29 days, but I’m doing triple the time just to be safe. I haven’t been diagnosed with COVID-19, but I’ve been training my whole introverted life for this moment. This is my time to shine.
I do still like to get out at night though, as I read on a blog that loneliness has the same negative health effects as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. I like to go dancing at a club at least an hour or two a night to get my exercise and socialization in at the same time. I prefer clubs that are nice, moist, and hot, as I also read that the virus can’t survive in hot temperatures. I still wear a bedazzled face mask though, just to be safe and stay stylish.
I don’t really even have to worry about this virus, as I am young, healthy, and in the prime of my life. My immune system is so strong from constantly falling out of trees as a child and rubbing dirt into my wounds to clot the blood. If you’ve ever smoked bum weed out of a tin can because you ran out of rolling papers, you’re probably immune to the virus as well. Also, if you’ve ever used a public washroom in that disgusting death-punk-indie music venue downtown, or if you’ve ever showered barefoot in a men’s locker room, I can assure you that your immune system has a Herculean strength that the coronavirus cannot possibly penetrate.
You should take advantage of this impenetrable immune system by travelling somewhere exotic now that the price of flights are dirt-cheap. Go see all those insanely popular tourist sights now as crowds have virtually disappeared: Machu Picchu, the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall of China. I just looked online last night, and they’re selling round-the-world tickets for only $108; you can’t afford not to go. However, if you really want to travel in style you should consider a cruise. Those things are basically like floating, all-inclusive resorts that take you to a new country every single day. What could be better?
If your immune system is weak, and you feel like you have a higher risk of getting the virus, I have two words for you: essential oils. Oil of oregano, rosehip, and frankincense all have high immunity-boosting qualities. Douse yourself in these precious oils, pour them in your smoothie, diffuse them in every living space — you can’t be too careful. Hand sanitizers are terrible for your skin, so I’m sticking with my natural, delicious-smelling oils to keep me safe, and I suggest you do the same, unless you like scaly, withered hand skin.
I made sure I was well prepared for my quarantine by buying all the toilet paper that could fit in my car, along with every non-perishable food item I could find. But I still find myself making the occasional trip to the grocery store when the craving strikes for a chocolate bar; I’m only human.
The most important thing you can do is spread awareness. Turn on every single news alert to get immediate updates of which countries have shut down, or where you can’t fly to, and be sure to tell everyone around you as loud as you can about this precious information. It’s important that everyone stays in the loop about how dire and pressing this situation is. I recommend scrolling through Facebook at least 30 minutes every hour to make sure you stay up to date on what everyone is saying about this crisis. Stay safe, remain vigilant, and wash your fingers.
Illustration: Kayt Hine/The Cascade
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
