What a good apology looks like
If you are a human being on this earth interacting with other human beings, chances are you have needed to apologize for something you have said or done. Not all apologies are equal; I once dated a guy who said “sorry” so much that it lost all meaning. Knowing how to apologize well is the key to a respectful, healthy relationship or friendship. An intentional, thoughtful apology can heal wounds and rebuild bridges that were once burned down. There are actually several steps to a good apology, and I’ll walk you through all of them. So whether you want to apologize to your mom for forgetting her birthday, your coworker for eating her lunch, or the owner of the car you just rear-ended, I’m going to teach you how to do it.
A 2016 literature review by Lewicki, Polin, and Lount found that there are six steps to an effective apology: expression of regret, explanation, acknowledgement of responsibility, declaration of repentance, offer of repair, and a request of forgiveness. I recently drove over my mom’s plants when backing into her driveway, so let’s break down what that apology might look like if I followed all six of these steps.
Expression of regret. This first step is the “I’m sorry” portion of the apology. Start by just saying how sorry you are for what you did and how your actions made you feel.
Example: “I’m sorry for driving over your garden; I feel terrible for mowing down such pretty flowers and leaving tire marks in your decorative moss.”
Now, most people will simply stop after this first step. They say “I’m sorry for…” and leave it at that. You can do much better than that. Let’s go onto the other five steps.
Explanation. This is where you offer an explanation for your words or actions. But be careful not to explain yourself away, thereby nulling the apology, but stick to the facts and your thought process behind your actions.
Example: “I wrongly judged how much space I needed to back into your driveway and was not able to do a proper blind-spot check because of how dark it was. I did not even realize what I did until this morning when I could see the damage.”
Acknowledgement of responsibility. You will follow up the explanation with a statement that acknowledges what you did was your fault, despite the fact that it was a mistake. The following example is pretty cookie-cutter and can be used for almost any situation. Just be sure you mean it. Sincerity is everything with apologies.
Example: “What I did was wrong, and I accept responsibility for my own actions.”
Declaration of repentance. To repent is to feel so much remorse or regret for what you’ve done that you promise to never do it again. It is a 180-degree turn in your life that should be expressed through your actions. Apologies start to lose their meaning when you apologize for the same thing over and over again without making any changes in your life to avoid making this mistake again. This step is basically saying you’ll never repeat this mistake.
Example: “I regret my actions, and I will take extra care from now on when backing into your driveway to make sure this never happens again.”
Offer of repair. How are you going to make this right? How will you fix your mistake? This is what you should address in this step. This is really what takes the apology next-level as you are not just saying “sorry” but offering reparations for your actions.
Example: “I can buy you a new plant today and help you fix your garden.”
If you don’t know how to make things right, it is perfectly fine to ask, “What can I do to make things better?” In fact, some people might prefer if you asked them this instead of offering your own solution to the problem.
Request for forgiveness. Finally, you are going to ask for forgiveness. This final step is crucial in rebuilding damaged relationships and is mutually beneficial to yourself and the person you are apologizing to. Asking for forgiveness is humbling and choosing to forgive is healing.
Example: “Will you forgive me?”
Be sure to form this last part as a question instead of a statement (such as “Please forgive me”) so that the person forgiving you can verbalize their forgiveness, thereby putting this matter behind you.
If my ex-boyfriend is reading this (I would be shocked if you were), I hope you will apply what you have read today with your next girlfriend. Mom, if you’re reading this (and I know you are), I hope you can accept this article as my formal apology for running over your garden.
The Cascade
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
