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Penises: be glad they’re not on your face

Let’s take a moment to talk about the penis.

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By Lily LaBamm (Sexpert) – Email

Print Edition: May 7, 2014

Poor, poor monkey. (Image: Wikimedia Commons)

Poor, poor monkey. (Image: Wikimedia Commons)

Let’s take a moment to talk about the penis.

Isn’t it marvellous? Actually, aside from the overall function, I tend to think it’s a bit ugly. In fact, all genitalia is ugly, female and male. (But I said I’d focus on the penis, and I will. Perhaps I’ll talk about the vagina another day.) Obviously whoever came up with the name “scrotum” must have had similar feelings about the penis. It needs a real design overhaul. 

The balls are easy to squish, the scrotum is attracted to zippers, the shaft can be bent the wrong way, and the hair doesn’t help hide anything. If there are any guys reading this, they must be wincing right now, but at least they don’t have this thing on their face.

I once knew a chick who was tea-bagged by her boyfriend. If you don’t know what tea-bagging is, then let me educate you: It’s when a guy slaps his hairy ball sack on your face as a joke. 

But it’s not funny. It’s nasty. 

Combined with the ugliness of the penis — which, when it’s not erect, looks like a monkey’s nose (the poor thing) — the scrotum, when unwashed for at least a day, tends to stink. It’s got a sweaty musk to it, mixed with a dash of urine. Totally hot, right? Wrong.

And then guys wonder why we don’t want to suck it. It’s not cock science. Wash your penis, please. And then maybe, just maybe (provided you have some nice-smelling, sweet-flavoured oral gel) you’ll get a blowjob. 

That being said, it’s clear the penis was designed for one function and one function only: sex. You thought I was going to say “reproduction,” didn’t you? The word reproduction is dry and boring, like the sex you have when reproduction is the only purpose. 

The word sex, however, implies pleasure for both partners. And ultimately the penis is one of the perfect tools for dancing the mattress jig, the beef injection, doing the dirty, the four-legged frolic, and any other panty-pleasing euphemisms. You can’t help but admire the slight bend in the shaft all those dildos try to recreate, the popping veins that add to the friction, and the tipped head (depending on circumcision or not) that hits the perfect spot.

Honestly, size doesn’t really matter, as long as he knows how to use it. And wash it.

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