I started this column a year ago as a way to channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw (famed fictional relationship columnist of the 90s sitcom Sex and the City) and to help me to process the intricacies of my situationships as they unfolded. Unlike sex columns in the past that have been written under psuedonyms, I have let readers into some of the most intimate details of my life, such as the age I lost my virginity, the time I got broken up with because I refused to give blow jobs on command, and the number of people I’ve had sex with, in order to destigmatize the conversation around sex.
Trust me, there have been some articles published under my name that I stayed up at night thinking about whether I wanted them to be on record; since The Cascade doesn’t un-publish stories from our website, these articles about my blow job experiences will be on my Google search history forever and ever. But then I think about the readership of this paper: mainly UFV students, many of whom are entering university straight from a high school and were raised in the highly conservative Fraser Valley. I wanted this column to help clear the fog of shame that often surrounds the topic of sexuality.
It’s no secret that the public school system has failed many of us in the topic of sexual education. If your upbringing was anything like mine, the girls were taken into one room to learn about our periods and changing bodies and how to ward off an evil male’s advances, and the boys were taken into a different room to learn about… their penises? I guess? I still don’t know what boys learned during that time; if you can give me any insight, please write a letter to the editor about your experience. Anyways, let’s just say my knowledge of female anatomy was so bad that I thought women peed out of our vaginas until the age of 18, when my friend drew me a diagram on a napkin in a sushi restaurant to explain to me where my urethra was. Top that all off with an immersive experience in evangelical Christian culture for my entire early twenties that ingrained into my brain the idea that sex was a shameful, lewd, immoral act unless it was enjoyed in the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman.
I still have heaps to learn about sex and relationships, but I have learned a thing or two in my almost three decades on this planet, some of which I wrote about in this column and other articles in The Cascade. Allow me to share with you some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned so far:
- There is no such thing as mixed signals — they either like you or they don’t, and if they like you, you won’t be questioning whether or not they do; it will be crystal clear.
- Sexuality is on a spectrum. Your sexual identity or preferences don’t need to define you and discovering this identity can be an ongoing journey.
- You can’t change your partner. No matter how much you love them, they will not change for you. You need to either learn to live with their perceived flaws or you need to let them go and find someone who lives up to your standards (I recommend the latter).
- Hold high standards for yourself when it comes to choosing any kind of partner. Be picky. There is no need to sleep with or date any person who is interested in you; really ask yourself whether or not you really like them in return.
- Don’t sleep with anyone who doesn’t value your safety and comfort by refusing or complaining about wearing condoms.
- When you decide to break up with your partner, rip off the Band-Aid and break up with them for good. Don’t let breakups drag on and on by being in a seemingly neverending on-and-off relationship. Once the deed is done, block them and forget them.
- How many questions they ask you on a first date directly correlates with the amount of time they’ll spend going down on you.
- Speak up! Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader; telling them why you’re mad or what move makes you cum, or generally just communicating what you’re feeling, will only improve your relationship.
- Don’t let anyone tell you what is “normal” in a relationship. No two relationships are the same, and as long as what you’ve got going works for you and your partner, that’s all that matters.
- If you’re in the mood to send nudes, take it at an angle where your face is not in the photo.
- Fart in front of your partner as soon as possible.
- Stop comparing your current partner to your ex. If you’re talking or thinking about your ex so much that they come up frequently in conversations, you’re not over them, and that’s not a cute look.
- The key to a female orgasm is clitoral stimulation. Learn where the clitoris is located and proceed to worship this massive pile of nerve endings.
- For the love of God, go to therapy. Especially after a break up. Counselors have a way of unraveling the mess of thoughts in your brain and give you insight into your life only a trained professional can. Take full advantage of the free counseling UFV offers its students and stop burdening your friends with your endless sob stories of your shitty ex.
For the sake of brevity, I’ll stop here. I wish you luck in finding (and keeping) a partner who worships the ground you walk on, gives you Earth-shattering orgasms, and respects the crap out of you.
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
