I can count the number of guys I’ve had sex with on one hand. If you count sex as more than the patriarchal concept of penis-in-vagina intercourse, then I would need both hands. You see, I was a late bloomer, and male genitalia did not go inside my lower orifice until I was 26 because I was convinced that if you made it to pound town before marriage, you might as well ride that train straight to hell.
There was a time in my life where I was deeply immersed in the evangelical Christian church and community. When teaching about sexual purity, they said that we develop “soul ties” with every person we’ve had sex with, and those “soul ties” would bond us to that person for life, along with every person that they’ve ever slept with, and maybe even every person that those people have slept with. When I think about it, it’s kind of a cool concept that we all form this interconnected web of relationships through this bond of sexual intimacy, but it wasn’t taught to me like that. It was a shame-based guilt-trip to stop you from having sex with anyone but your husband, lest these sexual ties grip onto you and wrap around you like octopus tentacles. Apparently these ties were strong enough that these prior relationships you had before even knowing your spouse would damage your relationship with them, even in marriage. I call bullshit.
Your worth is not tied to the number of people you’ve had sex with, and it is possible to have a happy and healthy relationship with your partner without even discussing or knowing about their previous sexual partners. It shouldn’t matter. And if it does matter, it’s probably insecurity on one or both your parts, and the by-product of all the intense sexual shame that has been heaped on you for so many years.
This idea of “soul ties” and its mission to keep your body count as low as possible is understandable in a way, because the oxytocin that gets released in your brain after sex “bonds” you to your partner. Those chemicals are healthy and are proven to lower cortisol (the stress hormone) in your body, yet they also lead to feelings of attachment. Since women who were assigned female at birth typically get larger doses of oxytocin released in their brains than men, that can make it hard for some women to have casual sex. It has been theorized that this is a survival mechanism to ensure security for ourselves and our children.
We live in a society and culture that is embedded largely within Christian ideology and values; many of these stem from the Christian textbook, the Bible. There are more than a handful of authors in the Bible that write about the evils of “sexual promiscuity.” I urge you to take these verses into context. The Bible was written in a time where reliable contraception was nonexistent and venereal diseases were rampant. Women were not allowed to buy property, get a formal education, or acquire any sort of wealth for themselves; they relied completely on the male figures in their lives, so they had to safeguard their sexuality in order to get married quicker and ensure their survival. So these “rules” written in the Bible make sense if you understand the audience that it was intended for, which is clearly not modern-day society.
Shannon Boodram, sexologist and guest of the Ologies podcast, in the episode “Sexology,” said that “someone created monogamy based on a set of principles at that time made for the most logical life.” Why are we still fixated on and allowing our sexuality to be defined by these antiquated values and logic?
I’ll be the first to admit that oxytocin hits me hard and I fall madly in love with every guy I have ever slept with. Which is why I should be careful to keep my body count low in order to manage the emotional damage that comes with casual sex for me. However, you may view casual sex as fulfilling a carnal need and desire, and you have learned to be logical and rational when it comes to negotiating the relationships you have with sexual partners. Both perspectives are valid. My point is to not let society dictate what you do with your body; do whatever makes sense to you, without harming others. Stop fixating on your body count or that of your partner, whether it’s too low or too high, it doesn’t matter. You do you, boo.
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.