A few weeks ago, I went to visit my ex (I use that term loosely because it was more of a situationship than a relationship) to pick up some of my things from their place, see how they’re doing, and maybe get some closure. I explicitly told him we’re not having sex because as good as break-up sex may be, I know it will send me into a tailspin and make it that much harder to get over him. Over the course of the day we hung out, there were multiple false starts, makeouts that went a bit too far, and boners pushed up against me. Ultimately, I gave in. We had sex. It was okay. I felt gross afterwards because I did something that I said I wasn’t going to do. It absolutely did make the break up harder and made me feel more like a piece of shit who is terrible at keeping the boundaries they have set. So let me ask you — even though I agreed to have sex with this boy, was it fully consensual?
Yes, I wanted to have sex with him, but also a part of me didn’t. I said yes only after saying no three times. I had sex with him because I knew that was what he wanted to do, and I wanted to do whatever he wanted to do, so I did it. This is not a good enough reason to have sex. Enthusiastic consent means that everyone having sex is visibly and vocally excited to be taking part in the activity the entire time it is happening. Both partners have to be completely psyched about what is happening from beginning to end, and express this enthusiasm clearly.
When it comes to sex, unless it’s a resounding “yes,” it’s a “no.” If you were wondering, a “maybe” or an “I don’t know” is a “no.” Unless you are having sex because every part of your mind and body wants to have sex with this person, you don’t have to have sex with them. You don’t owe anybody anything. And if someone says “no” to you once, that’s not a cue for you to keep asking; that’s a cue for you to drop it until they bring it up again when they’re more comfortable.
There are other times I’ve agreed to some sort of sexual activity despite not wanting to. I’ve felt obligated to have sex because a boy treated me to a really expensive date, travelled a long way to get to me, had “blue balls,” out of fear that he would leave me or lose interest if I didn’t, or because I just felt pressured to say “yes.”
Whether you set boundaries before meeting up, or if you ask for consent in the moment, be sure to get a verbal “yes” before diving in. This could mean asking questions like: “Do you want me to…,” “Are you comfortable with…,” or “Do you like it when I….”
Consent should be ongoing and should happen during every sexual interaction. Don’t just get permission before sex, either; check in on your partner the whole time, recognizing any non-verbal cues (body language or facial expressions) they may give that signal that they want to stop. You could ask your partner questions like, “what turns you on?” or “what would make you happy right now?” or “what do you want to do to me?” Sometimes it is very hard to say “no,” which is why it’s important to continually check on your partner. Survivors of past sexual assault or sexual trauma may find it particularly hard to vocalize “no,” so check for signs of your partner being uncomfortable or uncertain at any point. Remember that you can revoke your consent at any time, and it’s okay to ask your partner to stop, or just move back a space.
Healthy sexual communication means getting consent before, during, and after sex. Check in on each other afterwards, tell each other what you liked and didn’t like, what you would change and what you absolutely wouldn’t.
Asking for consent is sexy. It shows your partner that you care about and will respect their boundaries. Consent is so much more than a black or white, yes or no answer. It is affirming your partner’s body autonomy at every point of your relationship and only doing what you are fully psyched and excited to do.
Image: Brielle Quon/The Cascade
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.