There are many reasons to break up with someone. Maybe you’ve seen the red flags and you want out, or perhaps you genuinely love this person, but due to unforeseen and unmoveable circumstances it just won’t work out between you. Breakups will always be painful, usually more so for the person being broken up with, which is why it’s so important to end the relationship respectfully.
You may be thinking, “Why go through the whole awkward, painful breakup conversation when I can just ghost?’ I’m going to tell you right now: that move is shallow and cowardly as hell, and you both deserve better than that. So, here’s my best advice on how to rip the bandaid off and become single once again.
Ensure the right setting for the conversation. Don’t break up with someone over text. Never, ever, ever. Just don’t do it. Have the conversation face-to-face or over a video chat if you are long distance. While I would suggest breaking up with someone in a public place, don’t do it over dinner. Nothing is more awkward than having your heart smashed to pieces over a basket of breadsticks.
Initiate the heavy conversation lightly. It doesn’t have to start with the dreaded “we need to talk” text. It can be a simple, “can you call me tonight whenever you have some time?” Or, “are you free to go for a walk later?”
Organize your thoughts before the conversation. Do some brainstorming and think of the logical reasons why this isn’t working out. Instead of using accusatory language, talk about how your partner’s actions affected you. Instead of “you never text me during the day,” say something like, “I want my partner to show a genuine interest in communicating with me throughout the day, and going the whole day without a simple ‘how are you’ text makes me feel like you don’t care about me.” See how that second statement was more about how you feel and explains the expectations that aren’t being met?
Relationships don’t always have to end because of your partner’s actions toward you. Your relationship could be excellent with great chemistry, but we all know that life gets in the way, and there are certain hurdles that are too difficult to scale over. Or perhaps you two have just grown more distant and your values and visions for your future are growing apart. Whatever your reasons behind the breakup may be, come with specific reasons why this is not going to work out. This will ensure that you don’t lose all your thoughts in the heat of the moment, and decide to back out of your decision.
Don’t let things go unsaid. Now is your chance to let go and tell them anything that is on your mind — without using accusatory language. Perhaps mention things that you have been holding on to for far too long. This is a very important step to ensure you have closure and transparency in your decision to end things.
Don’t try to be “friends” right after. Arguably, becoming friends with your ex is only possible years after the breakup, when you have both recovered from the heartbreak, have moved on with your lives, and no longer hold onto feelings or grudges. Give it time. It is possible to be friends with an ex, but definitely not right after the breakup. Don’t include the classic line “we can still be friends” in the breakup speech because that would be a lie.
Block them. It may seem harsh, but trust me, it’s necessary. Once you’ve broken up, you need to block them on all social media and archive all posts and conversations with them to avoid the temptation to analyze and dissect past convos. Go full on slash-and-burn and delete any memory you have of them off your phone — their number, photos, texts, everything. Unless you want a short-term breakup, you need to cut all ties. You can’t get someone out of your mind if you’re constantly reminded of them every time you open your phone or your socials.
They shouldn’t show up in your feed, and they shouldn’t be allowed to continue watching every story you post. Out of sight, out of mind. You can end on good terms, but you still need to give yourself the chance to heal and get over them.
Don’t get back together. Just don’t do it. Remember why you broke up in the first place. Has the situation changed at all? Most likely not. Don’t be stupid. Don’t get back together with them. Once you’ve made the choice to end things with someone, don’t look back.
Go to therapy. Process this relationship with a professional. Yes, spill the gossip to your friends and vent to your mom. But please, do not mistake your friends or family for trained therapists. Treating them as such will create an unhealthy boundary of processing grief and trauma with someone who is unprepared to take these emotions on. UFV offers free counselling to students, and now is a better time than any to see one. Mourn the loss of a relationship as you would grieve any other loss.
Breakups are never easy. I hope these tips will guide you through this heartbreak.
Image: Brielle Quon/The Cascade
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
