I used to be that naive, color-blind bitch that refused to see every red flag mercilessly waving at me during the first couple months of a new relationship. Ignoring the clear signals, making excuses for them, and lowering your standards only ends in the most painful of heartbreaks. Here are some questions you should ask yourself about your new partner, and some warning signs to look out for.
How do they talk about their previous partners? Do they use language that is respectful or do they call them “crazy?” Odds are they will be referring to you as their ex one day, so are they talking about their previous partners in a way that you would like someone to talk about you? Look out for the other side of the coin as well — do they bring their ex up in every single conversation? If they can’t stop talking about their ex — red flag; they’re not over them.
How do they handle conflict? Do they raise their voice at you? Red flag. Do they freeze you out and ignore you? Red flag. You need a partner who is able to regulate their emotions well, meaning that they can manage big emotions without blowing up or shutting down. If their anger or frustration is spilling over from other areas of their life onto you — red flag. You are not their emotional punching bag.
Do they have other emotional supports? Who else do they have in their life to process their thoughts and feelings with? Are they close to their family? Do they see a therapist? Do they have a trusted group of friends? Or, are you their “person” who they come to for every emotional need? You cannot be someone’s “everything.” Being someone’s solitary source of love and affection is too big a role for one person. If their social circle is extremely small — red flag.
How is their sexual communication? Do they bring protection and wear it, or do they make excuses about how the lovely condom you have provided is too small for their magnum dong? Do they forget to take the birth control they swear to you they are taking? Do they respect your boundaries and listen to what you want in bed? Do they communicate their own sexual needs and desires? Do they wait for your enthusiastic consent for each sexual activity? If they’re completely silent when it comes to physical affection — red flag.
Do they make you orgasm? If they are not putting in a valiant effort to give you toe-curling, leg-shaking, guttural-scream-inducing orgasms, then what are you even doing? If they focus solely on their own physical pleasure without taking you into account — red flag.
Do they make an effort to call/text? Everyone gets busy, and it is unrealistic to expect your partner to text you back within five minutes. However, it takes approximately 30 seconds to send someone a “good morning/night,” or a quick “thinking of you.” I don’t care how hard you hustle; everyone has 30 seconds to spare at some point in their day. If you feel like you are being shafted, ghosted, or you are always the one to be reaching out first — red flag.
Do they immediately declare their love for you? Big. Red. Flag. I have definitely declared my love for a boy within mere hours of our first kiss, and it has not ended well. When it comes to love, a slow, steady burn is better than a loud, fast explosion.
How do they handle their finances and/or plan for the future? Unfortunately, it’s very normal for students to be in debt and live from paycheck to paycheck. However, if your partner has debt collectors calling them or doesn’t have the slightest idea about the type of future they want to build — red flags. To find out what is really important to someone, just look at where their money goes. That should give you a clear picture of what they truly value.
If you see any of these red flags in your partner, or you begin to not like any of the habits or characteristics they have, I want you to remember one thing: you cannot change them. Maybe you wish they would stop vaping, spend less time playing video games, spend less money on makeup, or kiss their dog on the mouth less. I hate to break it to you, but they’re not going to change, especially not for you. There are only two things you can do to deal with these unsavoury behaviours — learn to live with them and accept them for who they are or cut your losses and leave. You cannot change someone; you can only change how you deal with the situation.
So, why are you accepting red flags when you deserve the whole world?
Image: Brielle Quon/The Cascade
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.