Just a beer please
By: Carissa Wiens
I had a beer at lunch yesterday with my mom. It was a pale ale from Fieldhouse on tap. We went to a nice restaurant after I finished my first lab class ever, so I was in the mood to treat myself after my lab-orious day. Of course I always want a beer with lunch but I’ve got to exercise self-control for most days. On top of my beer I ordered a delightful gnocchi dish with heirloom tomatoes and who knows what else. After we finished our food I was beginning to feel my post-eating-sleepies come on. It was only 1 p.m. and I still needed to drive home. So I ordered a coffee with Baileys. My rule is to never mix alcohol: start with beer, stay with beer. Of course I wasn’t tipsy in any way but when I got home I realized how sad it was that this was the most wild I’ve been in years.
Night of the living phone walkers
By: Darien Johnsen
I’m getting real sick of all the phone walkers on campus. You know, those people who walk extremely slowly with their noses pressed desperately into their phones like they’re snorting some sort of highly addictive substance? NEWS. FLASH. I’m late for class and need to power walk past you, friend, so if you could stop swerving around like a drunk driver coming home from a rager, that would be greatly appreciated. You could at least try to stay to one side of the walkway. We need some no texting and walking laws in place, in my opinion. I feel like I see the tops of people’s heads more than I actually see their faces these days and it’s not really helping me feel any less like I’m living in a FRICKIN’ DYSTOPIA. The next generation of children is probably going to be born with crooked necks and social media addictions ingrained into their DNA. It’s like I’m surrounded by a bunch of sleepwalkers living in a fantasy dreamland. Get a grip, phone walkers, there’s a whole world in front of you if you just stop to look around once in a while. (Ferris pun intended because he would be disappointed with us.)
I don’t watch it for the plot
By: Mikaela Collins
Hot takes on the Cats trailer are now passéby a couple of weeks, but among the resulting constant stream of derision, I’ve heard a common refrain: “It doesn’t even have a plot!” And I’m here to say: yeah, it doesn’t.
I mean, it kind of does, but you don’t have to pay attention to any of it. And that’s great! Because what makes Cats fun to watch is the way the characters interact in the background. Those actors are rolling around, making kitty-paw hands, and rubbing their cheeks together like 14-year-old furries in a high school stairwell for your enjoyment without a shred of irony, and you have the audacity to worry about the plot? You should be worried about whether Tugger kisses Mistoffelees on the cheek, or how the kittens make fun of Munkustrap for his crush on Jennyanydots, or even just watching Old Deuteronomy head bopping. The movie is definitely going to firm up the plot and give less time to minor characters (read: people who aren’t Taylor Swift), so take to YouTube and check out some old recordings, because Cats doesn’t have a plot, and it is not supposed to.
Battling with math, tooth and nail
By: Chandy Dancey
As a kid I remember questioning why anyone would be unable to stop biting their nails. It just seemed logical to me: it’s a bad habit, so you just put your mind to it and stop. Joke’s on me though because I’m in the same boat years later. I’ve tried chewing gum, fiddling with Play-Doh, giving myself a manicure, and they’ve all worked to some degree. But the most successful method I’ve tried? Avoiding triggers.
I had never even considered nail biting to have specific triggers until I realized the bad habit cropped up whenever I had math-related courses. Calculus, physics, and statistics are all classes where my nails have suffered the most, and it’s easy to see in retrospect that it’s because they’re mad stressful. Math-related courses have an onslaught of due dates for quizzes, online assignments, written assignments, tests, and more. Sometimes I’ve even spent hours on a single question where I feel I do everything right but still can’t produce the right answer. What I’ve learned is that although you can do your best to cope with stressful situations, sometimes it’s just best to avoid them altogether.
Illustration: Mikaela Collins/The Cascade
Darien Johnsen is a UFV alumni who obtained her Bachelor of Arts degree with double extended minors in Global Development Studies and Sociology in 2020. She started writing for The Cascade in 2018, taking on the role of features editor shortly after.
She’s passionate about justice, sustainable development, and education.
Chandy is a biology major/chemistry minor who's been a staff writer, Arts editor, and Managing Editor at The Cascade. She began writing in elementary school when she produced Tamagotchi fanfiction to show her peers at school -- she now lives in fear that this may have been her creative peak.