I have been a student at UFV for two years, and I can proudly say that I have never once learned a fellow student’s name. If you find yourself talking to yourself in your car, spending more money on gas than friends, or plagued with loneliness, you may be suffering from commuter school syndrome. Need a cure? Read on and follow these guaranteed steps to friendship.
- Leave campus immediately after class. Listen, folks. You already spend hours at school listening to professors, standing in the Tim Horton’s line, and glancing at another student watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine on their laptop during lectures. You cannot afford to waste more time going to school events, watching UFV Cascades games, and joining clubs. It’s important to make friends, but take care of your priorities by rushing to your car after class and getting home as soon as possible.
- Don’t talk to anyone in class. Last semester, I was determined to connect with fellow students, so I sat next to someone in Astronomy 103 and started up a conversation. I even asked her what her name was! However, my approach was much too outgoing and direct; she never showed up to class again, so I can only assume it was my fault. The trick is to wait for others to talk to you. You don’t want to come across as desperate by initiating conversation, do you? If you wait all semester for someone to talk to you or sit next to you in class, I am certain you’ll become friends with someone in no time at all.
- Don’t join any clubs. Clubs are lame, simple as that. People who join clubs either have too much time on their hands or they don’t know how to have a good time. Think about it: if people actually made friends by joining clubs, wouldn’t UFV clubs be thriving? You, however, are a self-respecting person who would never be desperate enough to make friends through clubs. A like-minded community? Regular meetings about something you’re passionate about? Please. You’ll only embarrass yourself. Instead, try something more dignified like watching The Office during class. You’ll be sure to attract lots of friends.
- Always put your needs above others. Some people may try to convince you that friendships require selflessness, but sacrifice is overrated. If your new friend won’t work around your schedule, are they truly the friend you need? Listen, it’s all in the name of self-care. If you don’t take care of yourself (in the form of binge-watching Netflix, wearing fuzzy Christmas socks, and saying no to anything that doesn’t benefit you), you won’t be able to be your best self around your friends and fellow students. Make sure to treat yourself right and drop those friends who won’t adjust their schedules around your life.
- Don’t be yourself. This is the most important rule of all. If you want to make friends, you can’t go around showing people who you truly are because (let’s be honest) you’re pretty weird. You will have to change every aspect of yourself so that others will like you. My best suggestion is to take your Tinder profile and bring it to life. Wear makeup every day, become taller or shorter, and tell everyone how much you love to travel — that’s what you’ve told everyone online, right? Better yet, make all of your friends on the internet. It’s best to cultivate each friendship through Snapchat and DMs instead of meeting face-to-face; that way, you can pretend to be more outgoing, more funny, and more cool than you really are. It’s all about vibing with others.
University isn’t for stepping out of your comfort zone or exploring your interests. You’re here to get your degree and leave, but you might as well make some friends while you’re here. It’s not impossible and it just might cure your commuter school syndrome. It’s 2020, folks. Time to make some friends.
Illustration: Kayt Hine
Danaye studies English and procrastination at UFV and is very passionate about the Oxford comma. She spends her days walking to campus from the free parking zones, writing novels she'll never finish, and pretending to know how to pronounce abominable. Once she graduates, she plans to adopt a cat.
