by The Humourator
Appearances can be deceiving. Take my friend Cole Dart* for example. He is slight in build, vertically challenged and has wonderfully-sensitive blue eyes that one just wants to swim in. He sports a soft beard, is intelligent, well read and soft spoken.
He is also the humble owner of a gigantic cock. He does not know how he came to be in possession of such a magnificent phallus, but I imagine it probably stole nutrients from him in the womb like an evil parasitic twin, slowly growing to gargantuan dimensions.
I shudder to think of the unsuspecting lasses who might choose Cole for his wonderfully shy nature only to be absolutely torn apart in the bedroom. Then again, it might be as the Zen pottery masters say: “a happy accident.”
My friend Dustin Ruskyvitch, on the other hand, is a very brash young man with an average build. His raging sexual appetite might go un-sated were it not for his confident personality; armed with one-liners and an iron skin, he manages to bed many women. Afterwards he terms his conquests “whores” and “sluts” for being stupid enough to sleep with him.
I agree that they may be stupid to sleep with him, but the fairer sex deserves better than these degrading terms, which are often thrown at women who commit the simple crime of enjoying sex. The bark of this dog is louder than its bite, however, as Dustin’s penis, in comparison to his body size, is rather small. Girls probably suppress laughter at the pitiful protuberance, especially after being coaxed into bed with so much effort. In the end, it is nature that decides what we are endowed with, but in Dustin’s case, I consider his pathetic package to be a little bit of cosmic justice.
Is the size of the human penis an accident though? According to psychologist Gordon Gallup, who studies the eleventh finger exclusively, the human penis is quite large in comparison to our closest primate relatives. The average human penis is five to six inches in length and five inches in circumference; in relation to body size, the chimpanzee penis is about half this size and Gorillas fare even worse.
The human penis appears to have evolved in order to release sperm as close to the uterus as possible in order to ensure insemation. It turns out size does matter biologically, but, as with most of our modern sexual fixations, our fascination with the purple headed warrior’s height goes beyond the mere need to procreate.
I think men get a break in this area. While we are free to judge female breast size, shape and firmness each and every summer day given their glorious placement on a woman’s chest, it is often harder for women to judge penis size due to its less prominent position behind concealing pants.
One might use body size to extrapolate penis size, but, as I mentioned at the start of the article, many large Johns are cursed with small peters and vice-versa. Maybe one day the penis will claim its rightful place as a sexual characteristic to be judged and commented upon as we do breasts.
Until that day, however, Mr. Ruskyvitch will be free to talk a big game and then creep away in shame, which seems both profoundly unfair and fair in a curious way. Although he claims that many girls are “asking for it,” and that some particular new girl will “get what’s coming to her” – my only question is will she, Dustin? Will she?
*Names have been changed to protect the penises’ identities.