Women in straight relationships need to start having better sex – here’s how
There are many gaping inequalities between men and women that are worth fighting for: the wage gap, the wealth gap, the domestic labour gap, the emotional labour gap, and most importantly, the orgasm gap. A 2017 study surveyed over 52,000 American adults to see which gender and sexual orientation orgasmed the most frequently during sexual intimacy. The study found that heterosexual men were most likely to orgasm (95 per cent of the time) and heterosexual females were least likely to orgasm (65 per cent of the time). This is called the “orgasm gap,” and it is unacceptable. Women deserve to get just as much pleasure from sex as men. Everyone cums or no one does.
Just a disclaimer — this article is written specifically for cisgender, heterosexual relationships since, statistically, they struggle the most with mutual satisfaction. However, this advice could be applied to anyone with a vulva or who’s in a relationship with someone who has one.
Furthermore, although orgasms are great, they are not the be-all and end-all, and you can have incredible, gratifying sex without climaxing. Sex should be enjoyable the entire time and not just a few seconds at the very end. Female empowerment or the strength of a relationship is not measured by how many times a woman is able to cum. There are a lot of different reasons, including medical ones, that prevent people from cumming. If you need to, take the focus and pressure off having an orgasm and just have a good time together.
Why does the orgasm gap exist?
A woman’s orgasm is seen as unnecessary to intercourse.
Our cultural narrative overvalues penetrative sex ending in male orgasm. Penis-in-vagina intercourse is seen as the end goal, or the “fourth base,” of a heteronormative intimate relationship. As the female orgasm is not necessary for reproduction, some even find it to be unnecessary or a “bonus.” Female pleasure is often seen as taboo, and women who seek such pleasure are labelled as “slutty” for fulfilling these natural desires. This demonization of women’s pleasure contributes to the 200 million girls and women alive today who have undergone female genital mutilation, which often involves the complete removal of the clitoris. Journalist Peggy Orenstein, who researches adolescent sexual behaviours and attitudes, shared in her TedTalk that young women often evaluate their sexual satisfaction by whether their partner is satisfied and if they don’t feel pain during intercourse. The bar is too low.
Lack of adequate sexual education in schools.
Sexual education in schools has very little focus on pleasure and more focus on avoiding death, disease, and pregnancy. Sometimes male and female students are separated to learn about what they will go through in puberty — boys are taught about their erections and ejaculations, while girls are taught about their periods. A study done comparing Dutch and American college-aged females showed that Dutch women had more positive sexual outcomes due to the candid conversations they had from an early age with trusted adults about sex, pleasure, and the importance of mutual trust.
The influence of pornography and the media.
What kids and young adults aren’t learning in school they are learning online and in the media. Porn teaches young adults unrealistic expectations about future sexual encounters and makes it hard to distinguish between reality and fantasy. Studies that have analyzed the orgasm gap within pornography revealed that female-focused sex acts are featured less frequently, women’s bodies were more likely to be instrumentalized, and females are shown to orgasm just 18 per cent of the time compared to men who orgasmed 78 per cent of the time. This same objectification and silence of the female orgasm is also portrayed in popular media. Kimberly Peirce, director of the 1999 film Boys Don’t Cry, said the ratings board was upset when a character wipes his mouth after going down on his girlfriend. Considering that the 1998 film There’s Something About Mary showed male ejaculate hanging off the ear of the lead affirms the abhorrent double-standard of the portrayal of male and female pleasure in film.
So, what can be done to ensure yourself or your partner orgasm?
Clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is not a button, but an iceberg. The clitoris is actually very similar in shape and structure to a penis, and its full anatomy was not fully discovered until 1998. There is a surprising lack of knowledge about the female genitalia by both men and women; this could be because we are mostly taught about the internal female reproductive organs in school rather than the external ones. In a U.K. study, only 55 per cent of the female and 41 per cent of the male participants could identify the vagina. The clitoris was more well known and could be identified by 71 per cent of women and 69 percent of men; however, this still leaves nearly a third of all men and women unaware of the location or function of the organ largely responsible for the female orgasm.
Vaginal penetration is such a small part of sex, even though the media would have us believe that a couple minutes of it leads to mind-blowing orgasms. A study showed that 36 per cent of women reported clitoral stimulation as necessary for orgasm, whereas only 18 per cent could orgasm from intercourse alone. A study conducted by Durex in the Netherlands revealed that 33 per cent of women preferred manual foreplay with the clitoris compared to 22 per cent of women preferring oral foreplay. Get to know your clitoris, by yourself or with your partner, by masturbating, using toys like vibrators, and just exploring your body to see what you like.
Foreplay. Ask your partner to take their damn time getting you wet and your clitoris aroused, otherwise sex may actually be incredibly painful. The more time you spend on kissing, cuddling, engaging in oral sex, using fingers or toys such as vibrators, the better.
Oral sex. Studies have shown that women in heterosexual relationships perform oral sex a lot more often than they receive it, despite the fact that more men than women report giving oral sex to be pleasurable. Studies indicate that women were more comfortable receiving oral sex from a committed partner rather than a hookup because of their comfortability and familarily with their partner. Some common reluctancies woman have about receiving oral sex are insecurity about how their vulva looks and smells, feeling selfish because the act is focused soley on their own pleasure, and feeling anxious for taking too long to climax. All of this anxiety ultimately makes it hard for women to accept and get pleasure from oral sex. However, research shows that women are most likely to orgasm, and even have multiple orgasms, when they receive oral sex.
Just know that your vagina is not dirty, despite what many feminine hygiene commercials would otherwise have you believe, and your partner may well love the smell and taste of your vulva. Any caring partner wants to put in the time to give you pleasure, so allow yourself to be vulnerable, accept that pleasure, and reciprocate.
Communicate. Be vocal and tell your partner what you like and ask them what they like as well. Everybody is different and what worked on their last partner may not work on you, so just tell them what you want, remembering that people are not mind readers. Vocalizing your needs may be a bit uncomfortable at first since a lot of us have very little training in sexual communication, but healthy communication is fundamental to consent and setting boundaries in sexual relationships. If your partner is not receptive to your wants or needs, that’s a big red flag that you need to address. As well, if something feels good to your partner but not good for you (hair pulling, for example), you are well within your rights to tell your partner to stop.
Try new things. Try a variety of positions to see which ones work for both you and your partner, and set the mood by lighting candles, putting on music, and wearing lingerie. Explore some sexual fantasies, watch porn together, try bondage, try anal stimulation, bring toys into the bedroom, or just have sex in different parts of your house. Studies show that incorporating multiple sexual behaviours during intercourse increases the likelihood of a woman’s orgasm. There is no one sexual technique that works for everyone, so try a lot of stuff out and see what you like.
Love yourself and your body. Many women are so self-conscious about what they look like naked and spend more time sucking in their stomach or worrying if their boobs are too small or their labia is too big to actually enjoy sex. A woman being dissatisfied with her appearance and feeling as if her partner does not like her body decreases her sexual desire and arousal. Heterosexual women feel more body shame during sex compared to heterosexual men, most likely because they believe their partner places great value on physical appearance. Women also need to start loving their genitals and stop believing the cultural narrative that says that female genitalia is dirty or gross. Your vulva is beautiful exactly as it is, and there is no need for cosmetic procedures like hair removal, labiaplasty, or anal bleaching to make it appear more attractive for your partner.
Stop faking it. There are many reasons why women fake their orgasms: out of concern for their partner’s feelings, to try and increase their own arousal, out of fear or insecurity about not being able to climax, to end sex, or even in an attempt to ensure their partner doesn’t cheat on them. One study pointed out that 41 per cent of heterosexual men thought that their partner usually always orgasmed during sex, whereas only 33 per cent of heterosexual women reported that to be true. Another study showed that 67 per cent of heterosexual woman admitted to sometimes faking an orgasm. Remember the famous scene in the movie When Harry Met Sally where Meg Ryan fakes a loud, dramatic orgasm in the middle of a diner? Many women are incredibly good at faking it, and men usually cannot tell the difference. Please stop faking your orgasms, because if you pretend to like what your partner is doing, they will keep doing that because they think it gives you pleasure.
Afterplay is just as important as foreplay. Research indicates that post-sex affection is an important factor in sexual and relational satisfaction, especially for women. There are many things you can do after sex that will increase intimacy: talk about what you liked about the sex you just had, high-five and congratulate each other for giving one another orgasms, shower together, or just cuddle while watching a movie. Take time to process the release of the strong hormones that come along with an orgasm — laugh or cry it out. Also, please don’t forget to pee before and after sex to prevent urinary tract infections.
Be in a healthy relationship. Women are culturally indoctrinated to believe that sex is relational in nature, and they are often encouraged to only perform sexual acts in the context of a committed relationship. This belief system is even stronger among Christians, many of whom believe that sex should be saved for marriage and is the ultimate expression of love for your partner. Studies show that women are more likely to orgasm in a committed relationship rather than a hookup. Another study indicated that both men and women feel less self-concious during sex while they are in a romantic relationship. In another study surveying over 24,000 heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian, and gay men and women, heterosexual women were the most likely to regret having casual sex. There is a lot to say about casual sex, or “hookups” versus sex in a committed relationship, but overall there is a certain level of trust, security, and affection that women feel while in a healthy relationship that may help them orgasm.
A healthy sexual relationship looks different for everyone and doesn’t need to go by the same labels or rules that society insists we need to have when our genitals touch someone else’s. Maybe you’re only comfortable having sex with someone you are in a committed, long-term relationship with, or someone you feel a mutual romantic connection with. Or maybe the only commitment you need is a partner who is committed to giving you the best orgasms of your life. This is up to you to navigate and to decide for yourself what you are most comfortable with.
You deserve to orgasm and to be with someone who gets pleasure from giving you pleasure and who doesn’t make you feel weird, dirty, or selfish for wanting that pleasure. Your best relationship or sexual encounter will be with someone who respects your boundaries, asks for consent, and uses the kind of protection you prefer without pressuring you to use less. You need to be with someone who understands your body, sexual organs, and emotional needs, or with someone who is enthusiastically willing to learn. Be with someone who will strive to give you multiple orgasms and considers your sexual pleasure just as important as their own. As well, don’t place all of the responsibility on your partner — get to know your own body and learn to ask for what you want. I hope you have incredible sex this year and cum more times than you ever thought possible.
(Celina Koops/The Cascade)
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.