Love. It’s one of those ultimate goals in life, right? Get an education, a good job, meet the love of your life, start a family, and plant a tree. It almost seems like we’ve become obsessed with the idea of being with someone. Sure, it’s great when you find a person you enjoy being with, but is it always the case? So many people stay in the relationships, or worse yet, get married just because they don’t want to be single.
My friend from high school is a great example. She was a very independent and smart young woman. During our first year we planned to go to college together and share a flat and do all those student life things you dream about while still having a set timetable. Then one day she found a man, got pregnant, and married him. There wouldn’t be anything wrong with that if the guy wasn’t abusive towards her from the first month they were together. I begged her to dump him and her reply was: “It’s better than no one.” This summer we met for coffee for the first time in two years.
“Oh you know, it’s better than at the beginning. He hasn’t done it for a long time. And what about you Klara, still single?” she asked, looking at me with pity.
“Yeah, still single.”
“Oh don’t worry. I am sure you will soon find someone.”
My friend, who is in an abusive relationship with a controlling to-be-husband, feels sorry for me. I would say that’s probably the worst thing about not having a soulmate. If you are not in a relationship people treat you either with pity or they tend to patronize you. “Don’t worry, it will all work out” or “When you get a man you’ll see.” There is nothing to be worried about but if you start taking those well-meant, ill-aimed comments to heart, sooner or later you’ll become desperate. And that’s a recipe for disaster. Trust me, because I did. Especially during high school, I tended to succumb to the no-relationship-equals-no-life trend, which got me into some pretty nasty situations. For instance, there was a guy whose only worries were my whereabouts, company I was with, and time I would get back home to sit on his couch and look pretty. After a month, the realization dawned on me that not only did this person not actually know anything about me as a person, but he didn’t care. My mind suddenly went: “Wait a sec, did you actually start dating him because you liked him, or because you wanted to be in a relationship?” You can probably conclude what the answer was.
I won’t lie and tell you that since then I have not engaged in stupid relationships and manhunts. I did and failed many, many times. It’s only now I finally started to understand that it is important to take a chill pill and just do your thing. Love shouldn’t be a milestone. It should not weigh you down with worry. It should not be a box to check off on your life’s to-do list. Most of all, you should not feel obliged to get with someone as fast as possible just to silence others, even if that’s happening unconsciously. It should be a chance meeting that naturally weaves your lives together. And that can be achieved only if your goal is not aimed at falling in love. Just relax and take your time.
