By Yours Truly (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: January 14, 2015
I just broke up with my girlfriend after two years of dating. We were friends for a while before we started dating and I’ve known her family for a long time. The breakup was a mutual thing, but now I’m not sure how to deal with her family. I have a bunch of them on Facebook and before the break-up would hang out with her siblings regularly. I haven’t spoken to any of them in a month. Should just leave it or if I should try and talk to them? Do I unfriend them on Facebook? What’s the protocol here?
— F.R.
Dear F.R.,
First off, congratulations on your mutual breakup! (Dare I say conscious uncoupling?) Too often the trauma of a dramatic breakup overshadows the positive memories of the relationship.
As I’m sure you well know, even if a breakup is mutual, the pain of losing that relationship is not easy. A 2004 study conducted at Stony Brook University found neural similarities in those withdrawing from a cocaine addiction to men and women who had recently left a romantic relationship. If you consider the ways in which a long-term relationship works to interlock the lives of those involved — if not living together after two years, at least hanging out every day, texting, talking on the phone, and having mutual friends, interests, and hobbies — the parallels between drug withdrawal and relationship withdrawal makes sense. In order to work towards healing, it’s important that these ties are severed.
This withdrawal becomes sensitive when other relationships are involved. While a division in the loyalties of friends are often topics of debate in a breakup, family ties are less prominent. My advice: leave it up to her. If the breakup was amicable enough — in her mind, not yours — she might be open to your continued contact with her family. If she doesn’t feel comfortable with it, respect her decision. In either case, enough time has passed to explain the situation to the family members involved. Be tactful (don’t be bitter and try and pin the blame on her), only give enough information so as to let them down easily. They don’t need a play-by-play of your break-up — if your ex-girlfriend wants to fill them in, again, that’s her choice.
Discontinuing friendships with her family might be a difficult thing to do considering how close you are with her siblings. However, it would be more difficult for your ex-girlfriend to be constantly reminded of you through her family. For yourself, leaving those reminders of your relationship behind is a healthy way to heal and move on.
Next week with Yours Truly:
I’ve been wanting to try some new things with my partner for a while. He’s a little conservative in bed and since the honeymoon phase has faded I’ve been getting a little bored of what he has to offer in that way. I’m pretty adventurous in that regard and have been in previous relationships, but I’m pretty sure I’m one of the first he’s been with. I’m worried I’ll shock him (not in a good way) if I bring up my interest in light bondage / anal play. How do I bring up that I want to try different things without hurting his feelings? Do I break up with him if we’re not sexually compatible?
— Sexually Frustrated
Do you have a similar experience you’d like to share? Want to contribute with your own advice? Feel free to write in with your own say and be published alongside my advice in the next issue of The Cascade.
Send in your own questions, scenarios, or responses to:
peerpleasure@ufvcascade.ca
