By Leanna Pankratz (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: February 1, 2012
I love my job. No, really – I actually love my job. When I’m not pounding down pages for my beloved Cascade, bless its heart (I certainly love this job too), or essaying the Shakes out of Shakespeare, I am what is known to most of the informed world as a barista. This part-time java queen, also known as myself, works for a certain coffee industry giant whose name shall be withheld.
Now this large nameless company has certainly provided me with more than I could ask for. The benefits, the camaraderie and the unavoidable coffee snobbery that comes with such an occupation has kept me more than satisfied, and I intend to stay here as long as my little heart can withstand what is essentially caffeinated retail.
I revel in the workings of the nit-picky food and drink market. I secretly love when customers come in with an excitingly-complex new variation, and over these last few months I have grown to appreciate the deep, caramelly notes that are telling of a really good shot of espresso. I enjoy the outlet for creativity that comes with the construction of a personalized drink, as well as the sounds sights, and scents that come with any coffee shop.
However, dear friends, I have also accumulated a list of good-natured grievances that I feel are ripe for some prime airing. These grievances are not against my dear nameless corporation, but rather coffee culture in general, particularly when it intertwines itself with the monster that is retail culture. Coffee people are a funny bunch, and yet, they’re an undeniably relatable bunch that we can all take a moment to have a bird’s eye view chuckle at. Part of having a job is laughing about its particular nuances – something that members of the java cult certainly have no shortage of. Allow me to detail several customer nuances with nothing more threatening to the corporation than a wink and maybe a nudge or two.
1. The Mile Long Orderers: Probably the most widely recognized and satirized form of coffee consumer and one that I harbor a secret affection for. The aforementioned nameless corporation has created for itself a niche market, and this market’s particular niche happens to be a perfectly personalized cup of Joe – with every variation one can imagine. They really do mean every variation. Mile Long Orderers know their stuff, and exactly what they have to say to get it. Often coffee regulars, they’ve perfected their drink to an art, and will proudly tell a barista so – often with a long inhale, a straight face, and a slightly cocked head while rattling off some variation of “triple nonfat latte.” They’ll look you questioningly in the eyes, wondering, and perhaps hoping, that you didn’t understand and they’ll have to repeat the order all over again. Mile Long Orderers are fun to try and impress with special touches like nutmeg or swirly latte art – as long as it doesn’t infringe on their stern requests of “no foam.”
2. The Slightly Creepy Overly Friendly Men: This one is pretty much self-explanatory. As a barista giving advice to fellow and future baristas, I must say: choose your conversation partners well. A lot can go through a customer’s mind between the time they pay to the moment that paper cup reaches their hand. Limit chatter at times to only the basics – weather, health and the fact that you really should know their name by now. I learned this firsthand. Three months into my job, and I have already been asked out over the counter by a regular, told that my glasses resembled those of a “sexy librarian” and pestered to have my photo taken for a certainly well-meaning stranger’s Facebook album that was apparently labeled “New Friends.”
3. The Speed Demons: These are an elusive breed that typically orders the drink on the menu that is the least detailed and decorated, opting instead for a simpler Americano or drip coffee due to its apparent speed of construction and higher espresso content. Anything that just keeps them going. These often take the form of a corporate or fellow retail type on a break, Speed Demons love to multi-task, and can often be seen cradling a cell phone between shoulder and ear, carrying on a conversation while attempting to place an order and search for their keys – often unsuccessfully, leading to quick comments of “just a minute” to both barista and conversation partner. As well, is the hurried payment and frustrated shoe-tapping while waiting for the shots to pour. Shoe-tapping is often accompanied by pointedly audibly sighs of impatience, before cutting off a barista’s chirpy “Here you go!” with an eye-roll and a terse “Thanks.”
Thus, the cult that is coffee.
