You’re not crazy
Gaslighting is a very common trait of toxic relationships. Gaslighting is often the reason people stay in toxic relationships for so long, because their partner uses this technique to slowly break down their self-worth. Gaslighting is defined as causing “a person to doubt [their] sanity through the use of psychological manipulation.” It is a type of emotional abuse that often comes with verbal abuse as well. The term “gaslighting” originates from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play called Gas Light, which was turned into a film in 1944. During the play, a husband tries to slowly manipulate his wife into believing that she is crazy. One action he takes is flickering the gaslights in their house and telling his wife that it’s all in her mind when she points out this strange occurrence.
Gaslighting can go on for a long time because usually the recipient does not know they are being gaslit. It doesn’t always have to be your partner who is gaslighting you, but could be a friend, member of your family, or someone at your workplace who is slowly trying to control you and even make you question your sanity. I’ve broken down some common phrases you may hear when someone is gaslighting you and have included some suggestions on how you may be able to address these statements.
“I never said that.” “I would never do that.” “That’s not what happened; you’re making stuff up.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about; you sound crazy.”
These are classic lines used to question someone’s memory by denying events that actually occurred and making up details that never happened. If this goes on for long enough it will distort someone’s perception of reality. If you think this is happening to you, it might help to keep a journal to record important conversations, events, or feelings evoked with the gaslighter. This can help you refer back to your own writing to look at patterns in the relationship and to confirm things that actually happened.
“It was a joke,” or “I’m just being honest.”
Let’s be clear: you cannot say a hurtful thing to someone, follow it up with either of these remarks, and absolve yourself of any guilt; this is trying to disguise verbal abuse as humour. If your partner is telling hurtful “jokes” at your expense, tell them that you did not think their joke was funny. If they are anything other than apologetic for hurting you and try to brush off your concern, that is a huge red flag that cannot be ignored.
“You’re too sensitive / emotional / anxious / needy / dramatic / delusional / insecure.”
You are not too much of anything. You are just the right amount of everything that makes you yourself. These lines are used as a technique to make someone question their perception of abuse and their ability to reason. These lines will often come up when trying to call out a gaslighter and their abusive behaviours. They are used to trivialize someone’s feelings, or make them feel irrational for feeling the way they do. If someone says these negative comments to their partner often enough, it becomes easy to believe and internalize them. Don’t second guess yourself and your feelings. If what they are saying/doing is making you feel “anxious,” take that as a warning sign.
“I’m not saying mean things; you’re just taking them the wrong way.” “I’m not doing anything wrong.” “I don’t want to talk about this.”
A gaslighter will never acknowledge what they are doing — that is what makes them a gaslighter. When someone refuses to listen to any of their partner’s concerns, or pretends not to understand them, they are showing their partner that they do not care about their emotional security. Dismissing concerns, no matter how small the concern may seem, is unacceptable in a relationship that should be rooted in empathy and compassion.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” “That’s just who I am.” “Where is my apology for all the times you’ve hurt me?” “That’s your perspective.” “I’m sorry, but…” “You hurt me too; I just have thicker skin than you do.”
This lack of an apology is another way of putting the blame back on their partner and refusing to be held accountable for their words or actions. Apologizing is necessary to healthy communication, and a blatant refusal to admit their wrongdoing or to sincerely apologize is a tell-tale sign of a gaslighter. When your partner has done or said something to hurt you, you deserve an authentic apology; you are not crazy to think otherwise.
“I can’t do anything right.” “I’m a piece of shit human being.”
A gaslighter may use a phrase like this after their partner has pointed something out they have done to upset them. They use this tactic to make their partner feel as if they are the abuser and to make them believe that basic human needs are too much to ask for in a relationship. Gaslighters may yo-yo from “You can’t do anything right,” to “I can’t do anything right,” to keep their partner confused and to deflect blame.
“I’m an alcoholic/drug addict because of you.” “I relapsed because of you.” “I need to drink/do drugs because of you.”
People who suffer from substance use disorders are more often than not gaslighters, as they gaslight to cover up for their substance use and to try to convince their partners to believe that what they are doing is completely normal and that they’d be crazy to think otherwise. Addiction, codependency, and gaslighting often all work together and feed off one another to make these toxic relationships nearly impossible to break free from. If you are hearing statements like these, know that their addiction is not your fault, and I would recommend calling B.C.’s Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service at 1-800-663-1441 to get further assistance.
“No one will ever love you as much as I do.” “I only said that because I love you so much.”
These phrases are emotional manipulation wrapped up in a cute romantic saying. This is an attempt to lower someone’s self-worth and make them feel unloveable to anyone other than their abuser. Gaslighters will often throw in hyperbolic positive reinforcements like these to throw off their partner’s guard and once again make them question their reality, leaving them to think “Maybe they aren’t so bad after all.”
“You’re cheating on me.” “Are you on drugs?” “You’re the one starting the problem.” “You’re causing a fight over nothing.”
This is another classic gaslighting technique called projecting. If your partner is constantly accusing you of cheating or engaging in other shady behaviours, it’s very likely they are accusing you of these things to cover-up for their own infidelities. Accusing you of doing something you didn’t do is another way of making you question reality and can buy the gaslighter time as you try to explain why this could not possibly be true. When you are accused of doing something you obviously did not do, do not engage or defend yourself; the gaslighter says ludicrous things looking for a fight — deny them that.
If you recognize any version of these phrases to be a common part of your partner’s rhetoric, you need to see those as red flags and get out of that relationship. Gaslighting can leave people trapped in toxic relationships for years. The irony of it is that if you tell a partner you think they are gaslighting you, they will say you are crazy, and gaslight you even more for thinking they are gaslighting you! It’s a vicious cycle, and if your partner doesn’t recognize or acknowledge that they are doing it, nothing will change. Breaking up with a toxic partner is anything but easy, and it actually might be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do, especially if they have spent so long tearing you apart. See a counsellor, phone a hotline, read this article on breakups, know that you are loved, and you deserve so much more.
(Elyssa English /The Cascade)
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
