Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
You’re clearly on a path, but the path is not clear. I don’t have any guidance for you, and the cards are just as speechless as I am. Looks like you’re alone in the dark on this one. Maybe you’ll see clearer once you take your head out of your ass? Worth a try, really.
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
Spiteful action has you feeling smug. You’re like a rooster, full of pride, screaming for the world to awaken to your grandeur — all the while forgetting that you are standing, claws deep, in shit.
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 20
Listen to your heart. Listen to your guts. Listen to any limb you want, but stop listening to voices in your head. And if you can’t tell the difference then maybe forget what I said earlier and go listen to someone else for a while.
Cancer – Jun. 21 to Jul. 22
You’re juggling so many things, but you are juggling them well. You are a skilled jester, my friend. Be mindful, however, that you don’t lose sight of what you are. After all, the king listens to the jester and the preacher, but if he confuses the two the kingdom goes to shit.
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
You are about to sacrifice so much for those you love. The cards aren’t giving an exact picture of what you are going through, but it seems your inner strengths support you. Much respect, from me and the cards.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It’s important to rest after major accomplishments, but sweetie, there are laurel imprints on your ass. You’ve rested enough; go find a new goal to conquer.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You know what I like about Eeyore? It’s not that he’s an ass, nor that he plays with Pooh. It’s that, no matter how doom and gloom he gets, he still goes on adventures with Tigger and the gang. Take a page out of this book, and avoid isolation. You don’t have to be happy, but you also don’t have to be alone.
Scorpio – Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’re a shit stirrer, you are. Careful though, you’re stirring hard and it’s splashing about. I know, I know, you know what you’re doing, and you’ve always come out with clean hands, but still it’s not very kind is it? By the way, you’ve got a little something on your chin.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’re a hamster running on a wheel that cycles through trials and failures. I had a hamster once. Her name was Bubbles. Bubbles never knew what was good for her either. She ran on that wheel for so long that when she was finally free (through careless locking of her cage) she just ran in circles. We found her in the closet weeks later, encircled by the dust track of her stubbornness to go nowhere fast. Don’t be like Bubbles. Get off the wheel.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Arthur Schopenhauer says that human life “swings like a pendulum between pain and boredom.” He explains that pain stems from desire unattained, and boredom from the attainment of our desires. I guess what I’m trying to say here, and what Schopenhauer would support, is that true happiness is unattainable. Do with that what you will.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ve slithered to where you are. You’re moving forward in life, and the slithering hasn’t stopped. But are you slithering like a snake or a worm? I don’t actually care; it’s rhetorical and for you to contemplate.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Oh the horror! Oh the pain! Entrapped in shame. What a martyr you are. Oh, how much you’ve suffered. Life’s unfair. Boo-hoo-hoo. Ok I’m already bored with this. It’s exhausting. I don’t know how you do it. If you don’t change the tune, don’t be surprised when people turn off the radio.
