Aries – Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
Stop overthinking and find equanimity. Be a duck on a river, calmly floating to where you need to be. You don’t have to swim; the current will take you where you need to go.
Taurus – Apr. 20 to May 20
Hey, I get it. I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter either. But you gotta stop looking at old boots, hoping that they’re portkeys. You’re not the chosen one. Instead, go do that assignment you’ve been putting off. And for fucks sake, go read another book!
Gemini – May 21 to Jun. 20
You’ve got a hole and you’ve been trying to fill it with so many vices, but no matter what you do or how you distract yourself, once you’re alone, the hole is still there. Eventually you’ll learn that the external can’t fix the internal and that the broken can’t fix the broken. Get help dude, get help.
Cancer – Jun. 21 to Jul. 22
You come from comfort, and it’s made you carefree. Oh, yes, I know, you’ve “been through things too.” But let’s face it, the stories you tell yourself are grand, but just that. Now you’re in the real world and the true trials await. Good luck.
Leo – Jul. 23 to Aug. 22
Grind. Grind. Grind. That’s all you do. Your teeth are following your lead—keep going and you’ll crack both mentally and physically. The whole chipped-tooth-look doesn’t look good on you. Try some self-care, maybe a nap. Just be sure to wear a mouth guard.
Virgo – Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Nonconformity is great, and that soap box makes you look taller, but when everyone is on a box screaming for individuality, are you really all that original? Make your own choices, have your own thoughts, and the wealth you’ll gain won’t be the type that’s easily spent.
Libra – Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
If you judge yourself today for your actions of yesterday you are condemning an innocent. Stop questioning whether you deserve what you are being given and just go with it. Let go of who you were and focus on who you are; only then will you become who you will be.
Scorpio – Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The son goes to his father and says “dad, dad, my wife hates me, my children won’t listen to me, and I lost my job,” and the father replies, “This will pass.” A year later the son says “dad, dad, my marriage is great, my kids are doing well, and I love my new job!” And the father replies, “This too, will pass.”
Sagittarius – Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Mozart wrote his first symphony when he was eight, Mary Shelley published Frankenstein when she was 20, at 18 Alexander the Great was conquering countries, and at 17 Joan of Arc had turned around a war. No wonder you’re feeling insecure. Stop looking at what others are doing. You’re not a historical figure, you’re a present figure. Act like it.
Capricorn – Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’re finding your momentum and moving forward. You’re doing what you’re supposed to, and you are where you need to be. Just keep going for now.
Aquarius – Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Shit has hit the fan so often you have become a gold medallist at dodging the splatter. But while you’ve perfected the acrobatic art of dodging, have you ever considered just unplugging the fan? I know, I know, accountability is hard. It’s easier to blame shit on the fan than to take responsibility for you dancing in front of it.
Pisces – Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Oversight, undersight, foresight, and hindsight; these are what you’ve lacked. Now you’re walking blind. Get a cane to stop tripping about or, better yet, get a dog to guide you.
