The scary thing about being in a relationship with someone is that it will end one of two ways: you either stay with them for the rest of your life, or you break up. Unless you stay with the first person you fall in love with forever, you are going to experience a break up at some point in your life.Â
To state the obvious, breakups are hard. There are several types of breakups one can go through in life: the first love who you never totally get over, the one who was completely perfect for you but it had to end because of circumstances outside of your control, the long distance relationship that just wouldn’t work, the painfully obvious mistake that should have never happened in the first place… and the list goes on.
Around this time last year I went through a particularly painful breakup; it was the first time I had been on the receiving end of it and it came as an agonizing blow that left me gasping for air. I was so rattled from the experience that I saw a therapist for the first time in my life. She gave me some helpful advice that may help those of you who are bleeding from the same kind of heartbreak. My therapist told me that a breakup is the death of a relationship; it is serious, and involves the same stages of grief you would go through if a loved one died.
- Shock and disbelief: You have no idea what happened, and you don’t want to come to terms with the fact that it’s over. This stage is especially hard if you were the one who got broken up with.
- Denial: You are constantly checking your phone for the apology text that never comes — it becomes an obsession. Every time your phone buzzes, your first thought is of them, thinking that they finally came to their senses and they finally want to talk things out. But it’s not them — it never is. Give your phone to a friend or roommate or parent to stop yourself from checking it every two seconds. Block their number and social media accounts too, so you are not tempted to contact them.
- Anger: You hope they never know joy again. You hope they’re alone forever. You hope losing you sends them to a therapist twice a week for twenty years — they deserve it for what they did to you. It is perfectly normal to feel this way, but it is essential during this stage to not act on this anger by physically harming them, verbally abusing them, or berating them online. Acting out in a moment of blind rage can have serious consequences, and you are better than that.
- Bargaining: This is probably the most pathetic stage, and we all wish it wouldn’t happen, but it does. This is digging your heels in, trying to see if there is any possible way you can salvage this relationship that once gave you such strong hits of dopamine. Even if it means giving up your moral standards, you need this person back in your life. This is not healthy. All logic and self-respect goes out the window as you try — and fail — to save what once was.
- Guilt: You blame yourself. This is all your fault. If only you were prettier, smarter, thinner, funnier, more easy-going, texted less (or more) — then everything would have been different. This stage is when you try to fix all of those things that you think are wrong about you in the hopes of possibly winning them back. This stage is ugly. This is when you truly get in touch with all the parts of yourself you hate. Remember that breakups are never just one person’s fault.
- Depression: It is hard to tell how serious this could become or how long this stage can last, which is why it is crucial to talk to a mental health professional at this point if you haven’t already. There is absolutely no shame in seeing a counsellor, especially if there are other factors in your life that could intensify these emotions, such as stress from school. Embrace the sadness and recognize the legitimacy of this feeling, but don’t let it control your life.
- Acceptance: It will finally start to feel good to be without this person. Your life is yours again. It’s an exciting, freeing feeling. The world is your oyster.
Remember, you don’t need to be in a relationship to prove your worth. Even if you screwed up or were screwed over in your last relationship, you are deserving of love and always will be.
Illustration: Kayt Hine/The CascadeÂ
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
