Print Edition: October 29, 2014
Beard nets
At my food retail establishment, a change of ownership has removed the “clean-shaven” requirement at my work place. Everyone including myself has groomed a very fashionable beard. But now, due to upper management decisions, the idea of beard nets are being introduced. This whole situation is absurd, as we have no hairnets.
Granted, most establishments do, and we would too if we had complaints, but surprisingly we haven’t had a complaint yet. The idea of instating beard nets is ridiculous if hairnets are not a necessity.
As long as they are groomed, we should be able to have beards, especially if terrible-looking mustaches have been allowed in the establishment.
In regards to hair sanitation, it’s either everything or none at all, especially when it comes to some obscure notion of customer appeal rather than actual Food Safe regulations.
Bad breath
Jungle breath. That’s what my grandfather calls the funk your breath turns into after a cup of coffee. For those of you breathing into your hand to try and smell your breath, don’t try to hide it — we already noticed.
But coffee is not the only cause of jungle breath. Drinking, forgetting to brush your teeth, eating spaghetti that is more garlic than pasta: whatever the cause may be, it is awful.
If you wonder why people don’t sit next to you on the bus, why no one wants to talk to you, or why your favourite partner in class avoids you like the plague, your jungle breath may be the cause.
Solutions are simple. Pop a breath mint. Get some gum. Maybe even brush your teeth in the morning. Do it for me, please. If not for me, do it for the sake of the people sitting next to you.
Plague of Halloween
Carving pumpkins is a passion of mine. I like to create intricate designs of spooky, fiery-eyed fiends and cultivate my own store of pumpkin seeds. Yet this tradition has become warped in North America by the disguised pumpkin smasher. They stalk for evening “kicks,” and strike as if trained in lethal guerrilla warfare. The lack of morality these individuals have disgusts me, as they chuckle while rendering a grinning Jack-o’-lantern into a pile of sad mush.
If they are adamant to enter my property and destroy my festivities, what is there to stop me from doing the same to them during another holiday? Perhaps while they gather around the Christmas tree with their family singing “Noël,” I shall slide down their chimney dressed as Father Christmas and lay waste to their coniferous idol. Of course doing this would likely violate several laws, but it points out the same kind of sporadic behaviour we see from pumpkin-smashing imbeciles.
“Hands-free” distractions
Seriously, what’s going on with all these “hands-free devices” in our vehicles? I’m finding myself more distracted than ever trying to coordinate my iPhone with my Bluetooth stereo at the same time that I’m trying to drive properly on the road.
I’m not a fan of texting and driving, but when I actually held my phone by my steering wheel I could still see the road while scrolling through my contact list. This is just my phone. The less said about my GPS, the better.
I drive with hands-free gear, yet my car is more distracting than ever before.
