Chocolate commercials are too sexy
By Danaye Reinhardt
For once, I’d like to watch a chocolate commercial that isn’t sexy.
I’m looking at you, Lindt. I love chocolate as much as the next gal, but if I hear one more woman with long, dark hair whisper about how smooth and delectable chocolate is, I might just switch to eating raisins. There’s nothing inherently sexy about eating chocolate.
“Irresistibly smooth chocolate,” the woman says enticingly. “Made to melt you.”
I didn’t ask for this, Lindor. I just want to gorge myself on chocolate in peace.
I recently came across a Lindt Excellence ASMR commercial. As someone who can’t stand ASMR, this ruined my whole week. (The only redeeming factor was the snap when she bit into the chocolate, but it was spoiled by her breathing.)
The worst commercial I found was made in 2011. The woman in the commercial had the audacity to explain that Lindt chocolates are “created with passion.” Her description of (admittedly delicious) chocolate gets worse from there. Smooth? Okay, I accept smooth. But flowing? Luscious? Please, if I ever describe chocolate as luscious, do me a favor and shoot me on the spot.
How I accidentally poisoned my friends
Andrea Sadowski
In December, I made cute little packages of Christmas cookies for all my friends and family. I spent a day in my kitchen baking everything from gingerbread, to sugar cookies, to truffles, pecan bars, and pistachio biscotti. At the end of it, I had just one cup of flour left. In an effort to clean out my pantry and not waste any food, I used that last little bit of flour to make my signature no-bake peanut butter cups. The peanut butter filling is usually made with a simple mix of oat flour, peanut butter and icing sugar; I just decided to substitute the oat flour for regular flour instead. No big deal, right?
Wrong. It was only after I gave away all my baked goods to my loved ones that one of my friends pointed out to me an interesting note written on the side of a bag of flour. In big, bold letters it said, “Raw flour is not safe for consumption. Do not eat raw flour, dough, or batter.” The government of Canada website even warns consumers not to eat raw flour because it may contain bacteria from soil, water, or animal waste.
Whoops. Sorry, friends!
Baby, it’s cold inside
By Sydney Marchand
I admit I am a little bit frugal, and because I live alone, I try to keep my living costs down and look for ways to save a couple of bucks. One of these ways is by limiting how much I use my furnace to heat my house. I often have to wear a pair of sweatpants, thick fuzzy socks, and a big sweater, and sometimes (when I’m really desperate) a big blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I know it seems extreme; my boyfriend is quick to remind me that it’s not worth the hypothermia, but to me, it is! I’ve hit the stage of adulthood where I seriously stress out about paying for my bills, so if I have to choose between heating my house to a reasonable level, or paying for my groceries, I will always choose food.
On the bright side, I’m fortunate enough to have a fireplace in my living room that keeps me warm during the day, but this heat only reaches so far. My bedroom is like an igloo, my bathroom like a freezer, and my office is a polar bear’s dream. For now, though, I’ll just deal with it. Time to stock up on blankets and dream of summer, because I’m in savings mode.
Images: Iryna Presley / The Cascade
Danaye studies English and procrastination at UFV and is very passionate about the Oxford comma. She spends her days walking to campus from the free parking zones, writing novels she'll never finish, and pretending to know how to pronounce abominable. Once she graduates, she plans to adopt a cat.
Andrea Sadowski is working towards her BA in Global Development Studies, with a minor in anthropology and Mennonite studies. When she's not sitting in front of her computer, Andrea enjoys climbing mountains, sleeping outside, cooking delicious plant-based food, talking to animals, and dismantling the patriarchy.
Sydney is a BA English major, creative writing student, who has been a content contributor for The Cascade and is now the Opinion editor. In 7th grade, she won $100 in a writing contest but hasn’t made an earning from writing since. In the meantime, she is hoping that her half-written novels will write themselves, be published, and help pay the bills.
