Is my cat suicidal?
By Sydney Marchand
I think my cat may be intentionally poisoning himself. Milo, the oldest of my clan, is blind, obnoxiously vocal (usually at 3:00 a.m.), and, miraculously, 20 years old. He loves to drink toilet water when it is filled with toilet cleaner, eats his wet food off of the floor specifically where food crumbs or dust collects, and — due to his lack of sight —repeatedly falls off the couch and walks into walls far too many times. His new “quirk,” however, infuriates me more than anything else: he is eating my plants.
It’s no secret that I am a houseplants enthusiast. Pothos, spider plants, monstera, snake plants; you name it, I got it. But there are also a variety of plants that are poisonous to animals, so I have (or so I thought) strategically placed these species on high shelves, hung them from my ceiling, placed them in aesthetically-pleasing raised planters — anything that would make his destructive abilities less enticing or possible. But now I think he is diligently seeking these out. He climbs up the blinds, jumping like a gymnast, simply to munch on these toxic delights. Sure, I have perfectly safe plants for him to eat should he want to piss me off, but I am convinced his master plan is to ingest every plant that makes him vomit the sacrificed remains of poisonous leaves all over my house. Maybe he is seeking attention? Could he be depressed in his old age? Can cats be suicidal?
League is love, League is life
By Chandy Dancey
As I begin the last semester of my undergraduate career, I think back on my past achievements: I’m graduating without debt, made the dean’s list a few times, and have a good GPA. But honestly, forget about all that. What I’m most proud of is the fact that I got to the platinum rank in League of Legends. For those who are still blissfully ignorant, this video game is like chess on steroids — as you play, you’re keeping track of where other players are on a map, what spells you can use, your character’s positioning, your health and mana bars, your item and level advantages over other players, and more.
If you’re masochistic enough to enter the ranked gamemode, meaning your wins and losses count toward a point system on a global leaderboard, you’re in for a lot of fun. By that I mean you play game after game feeling like you have zero impact on how the game is going, having toxic players on your team who will point out your every mistake, and getting blamed for how bad other people are playing. But there’s that light at the end of the tunnel: climb the ranks and go for glory.
And I managed to do just that. I climbed to the platinum level of the ranked system which, granted, is not high on the ladder, but it means I’m in the top 13 per cent of players. So, yay! Look at me, mom, I’m kinda good at a video game.
John Mulaney divorces half of his fan base
By Krystina Spracklin
John Mulaney had the audacity to make us fall in love with his wife through his comedy shows, then divorce her fresh out of rehab. The divorce has polarized Mulaney’s fanbase online, with many fans giving custody of their loyalty to Anna Marie Tendler. This never sits well for women who really love a popular white man, and his loyalists were quick to dismiss all criticism by reminding scorned fans that a “parasocial” relationship could never live up to their expectations. To spare you a Google search, parasocial is a one-sided psychological attachment, typically formed with celebrities. By dismissing any criticism of his erratic behaviour since leaving rehab, his fans can worship their fav comedian in peace while illustrating his loudest critics as obsessed weirdos.
Like, it isn’t weirder to be so intensely protective of a man you have no affiliation to?
We all have a celebrity or two that we’ll defend to the ends of the earth, shy of Armie Hammer-level controversy. It’s just that Tendler mourning the loss of her marriage through art is more relatable than knocking up an actress a few weeks after filing for divorce. We mourn with her. It doesn’t mean Mulaney is necessarily a bad person — but his eagerness to over-recite the timeline of events does come across as a desperate need to cover up suspicions of an affair. His fans can tone it down a notch — no white male celeb will endure everlasting consequence for something as tame as infidelity.
Ice-tastrophe
By Darien Johnsen
Normally, I’m pretty upset when the seasons start changing and summer slowly starts to dissipate into fall. Precipitation soaks my shoes as I run frantically between my car and house avoiding raindrops. Moreover, life is perpetually grey and my mood rots like the leftover pumpkins in farmers’ fields after Halloween. But this year, there’s a silver lining to the changing weather: I don’t have to worry about ice for my iced coffee anymore.
You see, my roommate and I both have unhealthy addictions to creamy, iced, caffeinated beverages, most often taking the form of iced coffee (all hail). But here’s the issue: there is never. Enough. Fricking. Ice. Four ice cubes trays is all that our tiny basement suite freezer can handle, and it still is not enough to satisfy my roommate’s and my insatiable desire for iced coffee. As tensions in the house rise, and the bitching about who didn’t fill the ice cube trays after they made their last drink is getting out of hand — it’s time for this to end. I’m ready for the cold, frigid temperatures to drive me back into the arms of a steaming hot latte that requires no pre-planned freezing or preparing.
Images: Iryna Presley/The Cascade
Sydney is a BA English major, creative writing student, who has been a content contributor for The Cascade and is now the Opinion editor. In 7th grade, she won $100 in a writing contest but hasn’t made an earning from writing since. In the meantime, she is hoping that her half-written novels will write themselves, be published, and help pay the bills.
Chandy is a biology major/chemistry minor who's been a staff writer, Arts editor, and Managing Editor at The Cascade. She began writing in elementary school when she produced Tamagotchi fanfiction to show her peers at school -- she now lives in fear that this may have been her creative peak.
Darien Johnsen is a UFV alumni who obtained her Bachelor of Arts degree with double extended minors in Global Development Studies and Sociology in 2020. She started writing for The Cascade in 2018, taking on the role of features editor shortly after.
She’s passionate about justice, sustainable development, and education.
