Report-a-Pal
Carissa Wiens
It seems like every soul in this province has completely forgotten that there are heavy restrictions in place right now due to COVID-19. Hop on Instagram and it’s easy to see friends ignoring social distancing, gathering at each other’s houses, and participating in super unnecessary travel. I’m astounded that there are zero consequences for disobeying the restrictions in plain sight on social media while I’ve been holed up for months at home avoiding phone calls because COVID-19 can probably travel through the phone line.
So I’ve created a solution to bring pure and true justice into this world.
The app will be called Report-a-Pal. When you see your friends, acquaintances, or whomever else you follow on social media (that lives in B.C.) clearly disobeying Dr. Henry’s orders, just log onto Report-a-Pal. You can submit this person’s information and a screenshot of the post, and once the government reviews the info you’ve submitted, they’ll slap a fine on the rebels, plus maybe bless you with a bonus too. By reporting people you know and/or follow through this app, it eliminates the conversation you’d have to have with your friend where you say, “Yeah, Jenny, you should really not be doing all these crazy things because you’ll probably get COVID-19 and who knows what else, and Big Brother is watching.” And then Jenny will get mad because you’re being too controlling and trying to ruin her way of life.
This app will fix all of the problems related to COVID-19, other than the disease itself. I can’t believe no one else has thought of this yet.
Babies need to show up more prepared
Darien Johnsen
Honestly, who designed babies? Am I the only one that does not think they’re cute when they’re newborn? They look like wet, writhing raisins, and I am terrified of breaking them. As the oldest of like a million little cousins, I’ve been forced into far too many awkward photographs with my fresh pink, milky-eyes-glued-shut, flailing-limbed baby relatives. My arm never knows where to go. I’m terrified of touching the head, yet I can’t stop touching the head because I have to support the neck, so my arm always ends up at some odd angle as I smile awkwardly and pray to God that I don’t drop this practically translucent child. You’d think they would come out with some extra padding or something around the head if it’s going to be that delicate. Babies never seem to be ready for the world — I mean, for crying out loud, their hands hardly even open.
I don’t understand why babies don’t just hang out in the womb for another year so they can be a little more useful when they finally pop on out into the real world. I mean, it’s more efficient for the mother this way: she eats and the baby eats, she poops and the baby poops. It’s a two-for-one deal. Outside the womb, the parents have to do everything twice over. In today’s globalized economy, that seems entirely unsustainable.
Sadly, babies don’t come out as active participants of the workforce. They come out screaming, hungry, and ready for constant attention and emotional labour — and to top it all off, they’re not even cute until like seven or eight months. What a bust. You’re better off living like me: childless, directionless, and just free-living with two sassy rabbits.
The hype with Animal Crossing
Kathleen Clingwall
I’ve been a long-time lover of the Animal Crossing franchise. Ever since I got Animal Crossing: Wild World for my Nintendo DS Lite, I knew I wanted to play whatever new game they released. From that moment on, I have dabbled in Animal Crossing: New Leaf, Happy Home Designer, Pocket Camp, and the new and very popular New Horizons. Of course, I had to jump on the New Horizons train, especially after watching the Nintendo Direct. (A Nintendo Direct involves a series of videos about new games being released.) Unfortunately for myself, I didn’t have a Nintendo Switch in my possession when the game was released, and because of COVID-19, there was a shortage of the Switch gaming systems. I made it a mission of mine to find a Nintendo Switch so I could finally play Animal Crossing: New Horizons.
Then one day, when it was around 10 a.m. and I had just woken up, my friend messaged me saying the Wal-Mart in Maple Ridge just had a huge restock of the Switch. So, of course I drove there right after hearing this information, and I was finally able to have my very own Nintendo Switch. As soon as I got home I ordered New Horizons and patiently waited for it to arrive. And let me tell you, the serotonin I gained upon receiving the new Animal Crossing game and finally inserting it into my Switch was astronomical. Now fast-forward to playing the game for a few months: the hype and popularity have gone down, and most people that I’ve talked to have said they find it boring now, but I on the other hand, still obtain the same amount of serotonin as I did the first time I played.
Why doth the popcorn pop?
Chandy Dancey
I know I’ve been talking about popcorn a lot lately, and I think it’s become a problem. I need to go back to my roots and reconnect with myself. I need to confront what started my popcorn eating frenzy in the first place: wondering about the chemistry behind popcorn popping. (And yes, this is a segway into talking more about popcorn.) It all begins with the anatomy of the kernel. A kernel of corn has the tough outer shell (the pericarp) that protects the germ (which forms the new corn plant if planted) and the surrounding endosperm (a nice starchy packet to get the potential plant off to a good start). The key here is that there’s moisture inside the kernel, and this water evaporates when heated. As the water evaporates from a liquid to a gas, it begins building up pressure. The pressure continues to build until the outer shell gives way and the kernel pops, puffing up the starches inside to make the delicious snack we love. Okay, now that that’s off my chest, I feel this great weight lifted — or maybe that’s just my stomach empty and waiting for another bowl of popcorn.
(Elyssa English /The Cascade)
Darien Johnsen is a UFV alumni who obtained her Bachelor of Arts degree with double extended minors in Global Development Studies and Sociology in 2020. She started writing for The Cascade in 2018, taking on the role of features editor shortly after.
She’s passionate about justice, sustainable development, and education.
Chandy is a biology major/chemistry minor who's been a staff writer, Arts editor, and Managing Editor at The Cascade. She began writing in elementary school when she produced Tamagotchi fanfiction to show her peers at school -- she now lives in fear that this may have been her creative peak.
