by Ali Siemens (Contributor)
Email: cascade.sports@ufv.ca
As if last week’s featured sport, noodling, wasn’t dangerous enough, this week we introduce another animal to the world of sports, the ferret. In my opinion, ferrets have always been fear-evoking creatures. Their long bodies, beady eyes, sharp teeth and rodent-esque tendencies are all reasons to never own a ferret. Owning a ferret seems bad enough, but in the sport of ferret legging, the male-only contestants are housing these vermin in their pants.
The premise of this sport is simple and relatively affordable if you already own a pair of pants and can afford to purchase two ferrets (there is an ad on craigslist right now for 20 dollars a pop). Competitors start by tying their trousers shut at the ankles – I would assume something like duct tape or string would be useful for this. Then they place one ferret down each pant leg and fasten their belts to ensure the ferrets cannot escape from the waist region. The men are then expected to stand in front of the judges for as long as they can while the agitated beasts attack the competitor by biting, scratching and latching onto their legs. According to one contender, he describes the ferrets as “having claws like hypodermic needles and teeth like number 16 carpet tacks.” Sign me up!
There are some rules and regulations surrounding this adrenalin pumping sport that must be made clear. Competitors are not allowed to be drunk or drugged (Shit). The ferrets cannot be sedated (Dammit). Competitors are not allowed to wear underwear underneath their slacks (What?!), and the ferrets must have a full set of teeth…
The current world champion, Reg Mellor, who kept his ferrets in his pants for five and a half hours, enjoys wearing white pants to the tournaments so audience members can see the blood staining while the animals tear apart his legs and junk. Don’t be discouraged if you think you don’t have the skill for this sport, because it is said to not involve skill at all; alas the only ability needed is to “have your tool bitten and not care.”
But what about us females?! I want in on this sport too! Female rights and stuff! It turns out there was an outcry to allow the ladies to participate in ferret legging, but because our vaginas aren’t sensitive enough to bite and scratch, the female version is called ferret busting. It is essentially the same sport, but the females would instead release the ferret into their blouses. However, in the end, this sport proved to be unsuccessful – I can’t imagine why.
Since 2003 in Richmond, Virginia, a National Ferret Legging competition has been held annually. The sad thing is that ferret legging is described as a dying sport. Spectators are getting bored of watching men standing around with ferrets in their pants, and the lack of contestants is taking a toll on the event. The prize for the winning contestant works out to be 1,628 dollars Canadian. If you’re low on cash and you have family in Virginia, perhaps it’s time to start training.
Disclaimer: PETA representatives will hunt you down.
