Spring is just around the corner (or so I’d like to believe). The bees are out pollinating the pretty little flowers, birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and everyone seems to have an extra little skip in their step. Happy couples are out walking their co-owned puppies, laughing together as they teach Sparky how to “shake-a-paw” and “roll-over.” Spring seems like such a happy time of year.
Along with nature spreading its seed, it is said that spring is one of the peak seasons for conceiving, likely because nature’s pheromones are bukake-ing all over us. So don’t let whatever fertilizer is in the air change the way you logically think; wrap it before you tap it.
But gettin’ busy in the spring air isn’t really what I want to talk about. Although there are lots of happy couples skipping gaily arm in arm, where are all you miserable tied down people at? Can I get “what what?”
Come on, you know who you are. You’re either in a shitty relationship trying to make it work, or you’re in a shitty relationship about to break things off, (we are leaving the single folks out of this – they don’t know how good they’ve got it). Spring is full of changes, thus, it’s time to shit or get off the pot, people!
I encourage those who are choosing to end their relationship to do it in the most epic way possible. What good was all that pain and suffering if you just end things like adults? Boring!
Most people I have met claim they hate drama. The truth in this statement is that people hate drama that involves them. Who doesn’t love hearing the stories of Jack-cheating-on-Sarah-with-her-step-sister-Jenna-who-is-dating-a-UN-gang-member-with-three-children-and-a-mail-order-bride?
Even when you are involved, these stories are great to reminisce about in retrospect. Sure, it’s all “boo hoo” while it’s happening, but when all of your friends get to watch you slaughter your former partner on Facebook through status updates and wall posts, it’s as good as Jersey Shore. Breaking up civilly is passé.
It seems to be a matter of what’s hot and what’s not. Emotional and verbal crucifixion is in, physical assault is still out. The object of the game is to see who can make the other person cry and retaliate the most, eventually leaving one person looking obsessive and crazy. Play it cool, cry at home by yourself when no one is looking.
Some good ways to break up with your somewhat-significant-other would be to do it publicly, and loudly! Fighting about intimate details such as, “You were never good in bed! I always faked it!” is a really awesome crowd-pleaser at parties. Sharing embarrassing sizes of genitalia or a guilty pleasure such as loving Celine Dion is also a fan favourite.
Everyone knows that relationships are messy, whether they work out or not. There is always the possibility of your amateur sex tape being uploaded to PornHub, or your medical history being exploited. So, readers, I leave you with this timeless advice: always remember to look your best when you are being filmed going hard reverse cowgirl. Remember, you always want to come out on top.
