By Anthony Biondi (The Cascade) – Email
Print Edition: February 29, 2012
We all criticize those in power for not doing what we want. I can say with some certainty that we have all thought about running this country our own way at one point in our lives. Some people have taken it to the next level. Men like the Prince of Sealand, the oil rig nation off the coast of Britain, have actually appointed themselves rulers of their own land. It seems like a fun idea in theory, but I have to wonder what it must really like to run a country.
If I were the suave monarch of my own country, I would rule justly and fairly, with no taxes and an open heart to all those in need. Unfortunately, the reality is that money is the killer of all dreams. Without it, the earth will cease to spin on its axis and instead fly uncontrollably into the sun. We would all die in a fiery wasteland of renegade idealism and famine. Since I am hereby self-appointing myself ruler of my own experimental country, I raise my taxes to something around 10 per cent. You know, keep the trickle of cash coming in.
First of all, I need a new suit. Have to keep looking sharp – what professionals call “professional.” Bank’s a little low – maybe if I raise the tax to 11 per cent…
I hear that the poverty level has been steadily increasing. That means I need to create more jobs. Great, one more thing I have to deal with.
What if some people are injured and can’t work but need to live? Sure, I’ll just send them a couple grand every year. Keeps them smiling, I suppose. Bank’s getting low again. Maybe I should being exporting more of something or raise taxes to 12 per cent?
Some people are beginning to complain about the taxes getting so high. But now they want health care? Sure, alright. But that means more taxes! (Oh. I also need a new car. My beater broke down and I think after all my hard work I deserve a Camaro.)
Well, it seems our country is low on domestic resources and food. I guess I gotta buy wholesale from elsewhere… that costs money. Shit, I’m near broke. Okay. No biggie. I’ll just begin exporting fish and the like. That’s renewable, right? More jobs to boot! (I always win!)
Need a new house. Last one burned down. I suspect arson. That mansion on the hill sounds nice. Make it big. Yes. Like that. Taxes up.
Domestic oil seems to be running low. I hear the other countries have lots. I’ll just jump on eBay… well, that’s expensive. It’s either that or invest more money into researching a better and more efficient fuel. Screw it! Taxes up! Let’s do this!
Hmmm… I let things sit a while and everything begins to even out. Numbers never lie, right? Oh. Except the stock market is crashing and our dollar is down. Okay, not going to panic. This is cool, we’ve prepared for this. I’ll just pretend I’m doing them a favour by privatizing health support or some shit. They can deal with it now. Got some extra dough back. I need more suits. Gotta keep sharp and hip, or they really will hate me.
So the economy isn’t getting better? Hmmm… interesting. If I told you that things would be okay in a few years, would you believe me? No? Rioting? Okay… this country is getting to be a bit much anyway. I’m buying an oil rig and moving out to sea.
